Confession #7709: im scared to get up out of bed in the morning..not the typical I hate Mondays kind of way. I am truly scared. Im scared what my emotions will do to me, im scared about people judging me, about how my parents think im worthless and clueless, im scared for myself. Im scared of how i affect my body, my eating disorders, I have purged and binge ate. I have been anorexic, I give my food away at lunch. I dont think im fat, I just want to feel something rather than pain. I dont want to embarrass myself, because thats what I have been doing my whole life. I have had only one true kiss, and it was the best moment of my life. But he used me, left me. Made me feel like how most other people leave me. I was told that high school would be a positive transition for me, no more people calling mefaggot or emo, no one saying that im fat or a freak. People would accept me, thats what they said, but I see no future for me. I dont see myself going to college, finding my one true love, getting married, raising kids, and so on. I cant imagine anyone loving me for who I am, without exception. When I love something, I get attached too easily, and most guys Ive been with have had commitment issues. People describe me as clueless and useless, and its sad to say these words to my dad, who scares me to death. Its messed up to grow up being afraid of your father, and not talking the to your mother. People need to realize that cutting isnt the only form of self harm; you can burn, pinch yourself, stab your wrists with a pen, whatever you need to do to relieve your emotional pain. I want to die, thats all I want. I want to see heaven, and see all my friends who have died from their sadness. My family members, my idols. None of them are still here. I want to die, dont send me to a doctor, I dont need help, because you trying to help will make it worse.
Posted on: Wed, 23 Oct 2013 02:42:41 +0000
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