Conversation with Good Christian: GC: Who the hell are you? ME: My name is Gregory... and who might you be? GC: Festus Christian at your service... but everybody around here just calls me Good. ME: GOOD Christian? GC: Yep, thats me. ME: Festus as in Porcius Festus, the Roman governor of Judea... or Festus as in the Greek God Festus? GC: No Ass Hat, Festus as in that old boy on Gunsmoke. ME: My apologies. GC: What are you doing around here anyways? ME: Spreading Gods Love. GC: Screw you pussy lips. We done got us a preacher... a good one too! He spent years at the university studying the word of God. Got him a BIG church out in the pines west of town. ME: Name? GC: The Reverend Doctor Ignatius Intolerance of the Big Piney Woods Church of the Nit-Picky! Around here, we just call him Rev. Iggy ME: And what do you learn from your preacher? GC: That them that do not do EGG-zactly as Reverend Iggy tells them are going to burn in hell for-ever. ME: Really? GC: That is a FACT, Jack!! ME: My name is Gregory. GC: It is called a figure of speech jackass. ME: Oh, Sorry. What does your preacher preach about. GC: Mostly, he preaches John 14:6. Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.... and then tells us we got to do the Lords work. ME: And what... exactly... does that mean to you? GC: It means you got to do exactly has Rev. Iggy of the Church of the Nit Picky says or he is gonna sic God on your ass. ME: And what does the Reverend tell you to do. GC: All kinds of good things. ME: Such as? GC: Well, that Thompson girl was a virgin until Ben Johnsons oldest boy Horn Dog (that aint his real name we just call him that) shined up to her and told her they was gonna be together forever and ever. She turned up preggers and he took the first bus out of town. ME: ... and what did you good church people do. GC: We went by her house... caught her out in the yard... got in her face and called her a whore and told her she was gonna burn in hell for ever. She turned white... pissed herself... and passed out right there on the ground. ME: You could have harmed the unborn child you know. GC: We thought about that... but the Rev. Iggy says it would be Gods punishment on account of her being a whore and all. ME: Anything else? GC: Well, we follered the example of them Westbarrow Baptist people and stood out side the graveyard where they was burying Sim Carts boy and we held up signs and yelled God Hates Fags! ME: How did not work out for you? GC: Not too well. Old Sim puncture rated our sign with a thirty ought six deer rifle. Then we dropped the sign and he puncture rated the Reverends new pickup truck. ME: You got any Catholic churches in this burg? GC: We had one but it had to close. They lost their priest. ME: Died? GC: Nay. He got caught putting a Dolly Parton wig on an altar boy and calling him Shirley. How did you become a preacher any who? ME: I got on the Internet one night and entered my name, address, phone number and email address and hit SEND and they ordained me. GC: Well we dont need no half assed preacher like that around here. ME: I got that impression. GC: Go down the road east to Bennettville. They need a preacher. The aint got no church and no preacher and they aint holy like us. ME: Thanks friend. I will pray for you. GC: No not need it. I done accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior so I get sucked right up into heaven when I die. ME: Really! GC: Thats a fact ass cracker.
Posted on: Sun, 10 Nov 2013 22:26:57 +0000
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