Could your partner be ‘Gaslighting’ you? Does your other half constantly put you down or treat you badly - then when you react, act as if YOU are the crazy one and accuse you of being oversensitive or paranoid? Worse still, have you started to believe them? If so, you may be the victim of gaslighting. ‘Gaslighting’ describes any relationship with a power imbalance, where one partner emotionally manipulates the other into doubting their own perception of reality. This is unfortunately a darker side of some relationship. The term has in fact been around for over 60 years - it comes from the play Gaslight which was made into a film in 1944, starring Ingrid Bergman. In the movie, Bergmans husband tricks her into thinking shes going insane by dimming the lights (which were powered by gas) in their home, and then he denies that the light changed when his wife points it out Gaslighting may not be deliberate or conscious but it tends to occur when one partner strongly believes that their reality is more important than their partners. The relationship may have been good for years, and continue to have positive aspects, so the other partner has no reason to believe that their partner is imposing their reality onto them. It is a type of bullying and the longer it goes on the more they buy into the partner’s reality and lose their own. Deliberately or otherwise trying to make someone feel crazy, wrong, stupid or paranoid is a way of deceiving, degrading, taking advantage of, dominating or controlling and is a common manipulation technique. Individuals who cheat on their spouses but want to maintain control in their relationships are particularly fond of this tactic They use it to invite their partners to view what might be some very justifiable mistrust on their part as pure ‘paranoia’. Gaslighting typically happens very gradually in a relationship and may seem harmless at first. However, over time the person on the receiving end can become confused, anxious, isolated, and depressed and lose sense of what is actually happening. Then they start relying on their partner more and more to define reality making it a very difficult situation to escape. Although it can occur in any relationship; within families, between boss and employee and even friends, it most commonly occurs within romantic relationships. According to psychologists, men most often target women in this way, although some women are gaslighters too. Signs that you might be being gaslighted by your partner:- You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day You feel as though you can’t do anything right. You are told things a ‘normal’ even though deep down they are not. Your partner pretends not to understand or refuses to listen; saying things such as “I don’t want to hear this again,” or “You’re trying to confuse me.” You are told that you are paranoid or stressed out. You begin to question your memory of events, even when you are sure they are accurate. You are told “You’re wrong; you know you never remember things correctly.” You start lying. In order to avoid the backlash you know you’ll get if you say a, b, or c. You were never a liar in the past and you dont lie to other people. When you ask your partner something they change the subject and/or question your thoughts. “Is that another crazy idea you got from (a friend/family member)?” You feel your needs or feelings are unimportant and when you try and express them you are told “Why do you have to get angry over such little things? Or “you’re too sensitive.” Your partner forgets what actually occurred or denies promises they made “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” or “You’re just making stuff up.” You’re always apologising even when you know in your heart you have done nothing wrong. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behaviour to friends and family. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself. You have trouble making simple decisions. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving and relaxed. You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner. When someone comes along to see me for help with their relationship they are often unaware that they might be being ‘gaslighted’ they just know they are unhappy and confused. Sometimes they come along because their partner has told them that they need to ‘sort out their issues’. Victims need help in recognising what is or has been happening to them and also a reassurance that they aren’t actually ‘crazy’. This is done through a considered, objective, non-judgemental approach to help them understand both their own character and the character of the person they are in a relationship with. If they choose to leave the relationship I offer support and advice to help them through this. If they have already left the relationship they are often riddled with guilt and self-doubt. I work with them to ensure they have a full understanding of how this situation came about in the first place and emotionally equip them to identify and not ignore the warning signs to ensure they never enter into this type of relationship again. For help click - relationshipcounsellingkent.co.uk Please note If you are in physical danger or need help more urgently than I am able to offer - then contact the ‘National Domestic Violence Helpline’ on telephone number - 0808 2000 247 or on the link below.
Posted on: Mon, 08 Dec 2014 13:44:37 +0000
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