Dark Writings- 2014 9/4 Will these tears ever turn red, ever turn to the blood in my body. Everytime I cry it feels as if i’m losing more of myself. Like I am dying a little more each time. My heart cracks a little more each day and the happiness I experience isnt enough to fix the damages. When does it all come apart. When do I give up? When do I decide i’ve had enough? The darkness that was once my shadow is now so much more. It’s as if all I am is a shadow. I remember when I would cry or get sad over bad things or problems in life. Now I feel depressed at the thought of nothing. This is just how I am. When I am asked “What’s wrong?” The only thing I can say is I don’t know. Not because I don’t want to tell anyone, but because I don’t know why I feel the way I do. 9/7 I joke a lot about being killed, but I think it might just be easier that way? I mean everyone dies sometime and if life is this much of a struggle now, then why not? I don’t know if I could take my own life, just because that would be a wrong action towards my family. But to just be killed and be accepting of it. Isnt that the way to go? With full acceptance and complete acknowledgement of the end? I wish things were easier, I wish I enjoyed more in life. 9/7 Ive been thinking a lot about it lately. What makes me happy? The only thing I could truly look at and say “this makes me happy” is family and friends. But I can’t just rely on other people to make me happy and keep me stable. There’s got to be something else… 9/18 Ive noticed in myself that when I am really sad it’s very easy for me to get angry with myself. That feeling of being a failure and getting mad at myself for it, or thinking about how I hadnt done something I should have and just getting beyond pissed about it. Things that should not make one so angry or sad, really get to me. Not being able to control myself or my feelings is one of the worst things I can experience. Not to mention when I cry in public I get filled with rage that I couldnt hold in my tears. To be so weak and in front of people at that. 9/23 When does the dark fade to black? It didnt always hurt. I could always feel it, believe me I knew it was there. But I didnt know it would be so painful. To think that emotion could be so dangerous and scary. It’s as if it’s telling me to give in and just stop living. Stop lying to myself. Because to be honest it’s very possible things won’t get better. Ive accepted it, but can my family? 9/24 Life is almost never as easy as someone else sees it. There’s always a story you don’t know or an event unseen. To believe someone is ok without becoming that person is down right impossible. To judge someone without knowing them or where they had come from is disgusting. However it is also human nature to make assumptions and judgments upon one another. But acting on those judgments is what makes you who you are. It’s a scary life, it’s a scary world, and it’s a scary existence. 10/12 Today was hard… It was a rough day. I woke up with the urge to cleanse myself. I wanted to slice my arm open and watch the sickness come pouring out. But I didnt, it was hard to stop myself but I didnt do it. Now my body is fighting me and I can feel that darkness creeping up. To have cut myself this morning would have saved me from the pain the rest of today will bring. Two days ago I cut my stomach and my upper arm. The next day I cut my face. There is an enormous feeling of emptiness growing inside me and the only way to quench it seems to be with my own pain. I shouldnt feel this alone with all the support I have. I think that I know I shouldnt feel this way and it just makes me more depressed and angry. Everything means so much more or so much less to me. What I mean by that is either I could give two shits about whats happening or things matter far too much and they impact me negatively. 10/14 If I was killed today… If I was killed today it would be a miracle. Not for those who love me, but for myself. I know how hard it would be for everyone, but I am just not that strong. To know how weak you are and accept, is a good way to go. I know my breaking point and I don’t want to reach it. It’s a scary thought to lose yourself. That’s why if I was killed today at least I could still see myself. Although I am drifting away, at least im not gone yet. It’s hard to answer the question “What’s wrong” When there’s nothing right. It’s hard not to cry when those tears are what keep you alive… It’s hard to talk about peace and love when youve been fighting and hating all this time.
Posted on: Thu, 01 Jan 2015 02:43:47 +0000
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