Day two is now over and tomorrow morning I go into surgery. It is so so so amazingly close when you use the word tomorrow and not next week, or in a couple of days it just makes it so real that you cannot get around it. I didnt really sleep last night. I was probably in bed around 2:30 and I woke up at 6. Sleep is not in the cards. I dont have butterflies in my stomach, right now I have a squadron of B52s. Today sucks because it is so real. Today I cant tell my boys that I will see them tomorrow. They know I am going into the hospital and they know I have to leave this afternoon to drive on down. They asked me to take them to a movie this afternoon instead of going to the hospital and I wanted to so bad. I just wanted to promise them that we would go as a family to a movie and all of this was just a huge mistake and a giant bad dream. My brother left today because we leave today. He is going to drive back to MN today in a straight shot because he wanted to spend as much time with me as possible. He has been my rock and this entire time he has been here he has been so pragmatic. He helps me to focus on the things that I dont think about, but the ones that are very important. Where can you get the best care in the future. What do you need to get through this now. When you get back to we need to move things now to make it more comfortable. Have another glass of Blue, who gives a shit how much you have had if you love it, drink it. He has treated me how I needed to be treated, not like a sick person but like my brother. The best was yesterday when we were given one of the best gifts ever. Our friend Kerryanne got with Bethany Blair Photography to give us a family photo shoot. So that I could have a family picture of me right before my look changes. It was amazing and some of the pictures have already been posted. The thing is right in the middle my brother checks his hair on his phone to make sure it is not waving around in the wind. So I called him a girl for being so concerned about his hair. He immediately popped off with in about a month you are going to wish you had my hair, or really any hair for that matter. I had to stop the shoot for a second because I was laughing. I needed that so bad and that was my brother all weekend. He didnt give me any grace and he treated me like he always would. That is why when he broke down in tears this morning when he got ready to go it broke me so badly. You see I told myself today I wasnt going to think about tomorrow and I wasnt going to cry for any reason. I wasnt going to let cancer effect me or take one minute of my joy from me. But it is because it is taking so much more today to keep my mind off of my life. I have to leave my boys for a week and when I come back I wont be strong enough to help them do all the things I normally do. How will I carry my Bear like I told him I would do forever. How will I pick up Super Tristan if he hurts himself. Today sucks and I am just trying to get through it because it is my last true day as I am right now. I understand that sometimes you have to be tried in your life, but this is a tough trial. It sucks because of the time I will lose and how I am not going to be me like I was before. My life is about to do a 180 ad I am not sure how I am going to really handle it. We all think we know, we all prepare for what we are about to endure, but no one really knows until they are hit in the face with it. I think about all the things that I am going to lose as they come to me on a daily basis. Last night I whistled for my dog and then realized I will never whistle again. I didnt sleep last night because my mind would run and run and run and I couldnt stop it. I also didnt want to lose a minute. I wanted to make sure that I saw my boys as soon as they woke up because I didnt want to lose any time with them today, not a second. So tonight I will probably not sleep at all. Because really who cares if I sleep or not. Come tomorrow I will catch up all the sleep I need all at once when I am asleep for a couple of days. So my son Bear just walked into the room and sat on my lap for no other reason than he loves me. He is asking me questions about what I am writing and someday when he is older maybe he will be able to find this page and really see what I went through and understand a little more about his father. But because of that I am not going to go back and edit this as I dont have time. I would rather end it with unfinished and spend time with him. He also asked me what I am going to do if I cant whistle, and how I will be able to coach him. I told him that I am going to start with an air horn and a bull horn to talk and if I have to invent a mini air horn that fits in my pocket to get his attention then I will figure out a way to make it happen. I have said it over and over, life is a gift and we all need to take advantage of it. Love your family, love your friends. Take the time to take a moment and understand what is the most important thing to you. I am about to lose so much physically, but I cant imagine how much worse it could have been if I lost my life. It can all turn on a dime my friends. So dont be afraid to tell people how you really feel and dont be afraid to attack life. I will see you guys on the other side of this, and dont any of you dare cry for me. You want to do something hug someone you care about for me. Then figure out a way to do something that makes you feel alive. Never give up my friends and Dont walk away from a good fight. My wife will update you all with how I am doing when I go into surgery tomorrow, so she will take care of this for me till I can do it again. Then you can be with me on my journey to get better.
Posted on: Mon, 11 Aug 2014 16:00:34 +0000
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