Dealing with adoption pain, woman wants to help others BY KELLY MONITZ Published: June 29, 2014 ARTICLE TOOLS FONT SIZE: [A] [A] [A] SHARE ON FACEBOOK SHARE ON TWITTER SHARE ON GOOGLE SHARE ON LINKEDIN SHARE ON EMAIL SHARE ON PRINT MORE SHARING SERVICES 0 OUR SOCIAL NETWORKS FACEBOOK SIGN UP NEWSLETTER Cindi Powell lost a child to adoption 11 years ago. The Jeddo woman believed the adoptive parents’ promise to allow her to see her son, but they reneged on their promise, leaving her alone to deal with the pain, grief and anger of her decision. “I felt like I was dying inside,” Powell said, describing the pain as an “all consuming gutting” of her soul that nothing would allay. Her feelings conflicted with what society was telling her that she “did the right thing” by her son, and she knew there had to be other women out there who felt the same way. Powell decided to form a group to help women like herself who gave up a child for adoption and continue to deal with the deep pain of the decision. “I wanted to create a group so that women can talk about their suffering,” she said. She founded the Adoption Loss and Trauma Support Group of Northeast Pennsylvania, which meets the fourth Wednesday of the month. “A support group is a tremendous advantage and benefit for those grieving the loss of their birth child,” said Dr. Steven Silverstein of Alternatives in Counseling Inc. of Kingston. “It will always be a sacred privilege to bear one another’s burdens with those who know and understand the depths of this pain.” Discussions about adoption often fall to the excitement, happiness and joy of the adoptive family and don’t recognize “giving up a child is an enormous loss for the birth parents as well as the child,” Silverstein said. “Although adoption can truly be a gift with many benefits, it is still a very unnatural situation,” he said. “The natural bonding and nurturing is interrupted by this unnatural separating trauma. The trauma may have positive outcomes, but this is still a traumatic life-altering separation.” Birth parents often suppress their agony at giving up a child but a deep inner turmoil remains, Silverstein said. “Therapy often deals with addressing the denial or ‘buried alive’ traumas of life,” he said. “The birth parents are much healthier if they are honest with expressing the truth of their experiences. It is the best way to respond to giving up a child.”In addition to expressing their feelings and supporting one another, Powell hopes the group could reach out to women who feel trapped and have no other choice but to give their babies away. “If someone had helped me take my three babies to a shelter, we’d be together today,” she said. “I’m trying to help these women. You don’t deserve to lose a child.” Powell, who has a master’s degree in eduction, has two older children with her ex-husband who remain with her, and it’s her youngest, the product of an assault, that she felt pressured to give up. She had become a victim of the same cycle as her mother, who married an abusive man and gave up her younger siblings, shattering the family. Powell hopes the support group can work toward breaking the cycle for other women and help them keep their babies, she said. Some in the community with whom she has shared her story have not been sympathetic, as her feelings defy the accepted thinking in society, she said. “The subject of birth parents is sad, brief and dismissing,” Silverstein said. “It seems society isn’t fully ready to care or understand that complexity and struggles of those who have given children up for adoption, “Judgments are common, but compassion is what is really needed,” he said. With adoptions at Catholic Social Services in Hazleton, compassion and support for the birth parent is foremost, said Joan Gower, an adoption caseworker. She sets up a meeting as quickly as possible with the birth mother to relieve her anxiety and explain the process, she said. “I talk to her about how gut-wrenching it’s going to be,” Gower said. “She needs to be warned.” The agency works with both the birth mother and father, if involved, and offers support and counseling afterwards as well, Gower said. Birth parents are never pushed toward the option of adoption, and the agency supports them if they change their mind and decide to keep the baby, offering pregnancy counseling and material support, she said. “Adoption is a loving option. It is a deep selfless act of love on the part of a birth parent,” said Neil Oberto, executive director at CSS. “No one is ever forced to make that decision.” Oberto said he understands that it is also a very heart-wrenching decision, and the birth parents often experience grief when deciding to give up a baby. “In agency-based services and as part of core values, we work closely with the birth parent on this process,” he said. The agency also encourages the birth parents to be a part of the adoption process and have contact with the baby, even if they don’t want to, he said, because of the grief involved, if not now, later. “We don’t want them to mourn a ghost,” Oberto said. The agency also stresses to foster and adoptive parents the role of the birth parents, and that the child will always have a connection to them, he said. CSS also supports openness in adoption, as allowed by law, Oberto said. Gower said one birth mother who she worked with wanted a once-a-year picnic with her child after the adoption along with letters and pictures. “Most birth mothers just want the letters and pictures and we send them to them,” she said. Gower believes a support group for birth parents to talk about their feelings, such as the one started by Powell, is a good idea, but would prefer to see it facilitated by an agency or counselor. Powell’s master’s degree is specialized in counseling and she is working toward her national counseling certification with the goal of opening her own practice, she said. The support group is free and open to those who want to talk about their feelings about giving up a child or just need to find hope, she said. Anyone interested in learning more about the Adoption Loss and Trauma Support Group of Northeast Pennsylvania or would like to attend the next meeting on July 23 at 7 p.m. should contact Powell at 570-926-6893.
Posted on: Sun, 29 Jun 2014 19:22:38 +0000
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