Dear Diary I promised I would not do this again, this pouring myself onto these margins, onto buckets too busy leaking to contain me. Once again I admit I expect too much (because I give too much), expect gods of mere mortals when I can barely open my mouth without the need to purify myself and all that comes out of me. This is all I am good at, maybe this is what I will always be good at, talking to things that never talk back and expecting too much as an apology from people obsessed with being right and righteous than to entertain your inane hurt and apparent insignificant heart. I should have learned by now that putting someone first doesn’t mean they will do the same. I keep burning myself with these expectations knowing exactly that no one ever chooses me. There is always me and the other person apparently better and more spiritual than me. I should have learned that this life of sin is not appeasing to these children of god (not God) who think heaven and god is theirs alone so they stick together and declare their boiling love for each other and you are expected to sit in the corner and soothe your self-inflicted pain because this is what children of god do, they love each other and you are too much a sinner to ask any less of them. Dear Diary, I have said a little more than I had planned to say, I have said a little too much for this one session. I am quarter to insanity owing to these soliloquies; I promise this will never happen again. Weakness and neediness are no worthy things to pride myself with.
Posted on: Fri, 18 Jul 2014 13:59:28 +0000
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