Dear Diary ~ Went to visit my doctor yesterday for a check-up - so far so good! :) and I got my flu shot! I only need to see her every 3 months and I only need to see my oncologist once a year! woot! I must admit - Im tired of seeing doctors, but I really love my new doctor. She sits and listens, I mean, really listens to your concerns. She makes me want to work hard - to please her! *lol* If anyone is looking for a doctor that is into preventative care and who challenges you - Dr. Katriina Hopper is wonderful, and she can be found at Portage Health! Im at a crossroads - I know I need to let go of all that has happened to me in the past two years, but it is hard. Every night, as I struggle to sleep - i guess you would call them flashbacks of my 30+ days spent in the hospital. I can still see the many faces of the nurses, doctors, maids, and even transporters - i remember their voices, and the stories they shared with me... they were so good to me, especially the nurses. At the very beginning, when I could not move at all from waist down - i was as weak as a baby. I had to use a bedpan for the first time in my life - i know nurses are used to that - but I was so embarrassed, sad and frightened. They had to clean me up as if I were a wee baby. They would have me try to roll from side to side - even that took great effort. I remember the faces of the doctors as they had me try to lift up my legs... to no avail. I did eventually get stronger - so I thought. Before I left for home, they had me working 3 hours every morning - down at the rehabilitation center. Sometimes I need to remind myself just how weak I was, and how much stronger I am now. My first day home - with hubby at work and kids at school - I tried to get out of bed. Nope - not happening. I could not push myself up with my walker to a standing position. I called a few friends, relatives - but nobody was home. I started to cry as I peed the bed. I finally remembered a gentleman who had come to our home the night the ambulance was called. He was able to come and help me up. Again I was so sad, humiliated. So as Dr. Hopper was speaking with me, she was trying to tell me I need to accept the past and focus on the future. That even tho I have limited abilities - I was still Brenda. I have lost myself somewhere along this voyage. I have to get over the anger, sadness at my loss and move forward. So Ive decided it is time i should talk with a professional - instead of using you guys as my shout-out buddies! *lol* I must become stronger. I will always have hope that someday my nerves shall reconnect or find a path - but I also have to realize - this just might be it. So Ive decided to go back to the gym - ride the bus into town (now that Im strong enough to go on with my walker instead of my wheelchair) - and then ride home with Patrick when hes done with work. The swimming pool I usually go to is closed until dec 26th - so Im eager to get back to that - I love my pool!! My plan is to get as strong as possible, keeping my muscles active - just in case I do get my miracle. See? Im having a hard time giving that up. I still dream and in my dreams Im always walking. Just getting up and going wherever I want, without a thought. You dont realize how precious that is... But like the old trees, that my father had planted so long ago - came down today - it is a ending. Something new shall maybe take its place - like I - who needs a new place.. a new way. A stronger image - in mind, body, and soul. I need to find my new path... and I cannot be afraid. Love and Huggles ~Bren~
Posted on: Thu, 21 Nov 2013 22:37:35 +0000
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