Dear Jon Duran, I never formally introduced myself. My name is Joey Criteser, but my real name is Joseph Jacobs. My real father was an Assyrian immigrant who fled Iran in the 60s. My mother is as white as they come. I am going to speak to you as a man in plain and simple English. No flashy metaphors, segues, oxymorons and the like. Just normal words to avoid any misunderstandings. I have Highly Functional Aspergers Syndrome and Im announcing it with your name in the salutation to make it both personal and impersonal. Its easier for me that way. It takes courage for me to announce this. I knew I had it, but officially got it diagnosed 4 years ago. I stopped taking meds after the 2011 Japan earthquake and I function pretty well. But believe me, theres been a lot of trial and error. Only a very select few knew this. I never announced it until now, not because I was ashamed, but because I didnt see the need to. Until now. I have always been different. I can assure you that I am no Rain Man. I suck at math. If you dropped a box of toothpicks in front of me, Id just simply say Dude, you just dropped a box of toothpicks. Dumba**. What I do excel at, though, is reading people and seeing/noticing things that others wouldnt pick up on. People with Highly Functional Aspergers syndrome typically have average or above-average intelligence. Famous people with the same condition include Stanley Kubrick, Albert Einstein, Robin Williams, Beethoven, and the serial killer Dexter from Showtime. I am not saying that Im in their league. Im not saying that Im super intelligent. But That would simply be arrogance and stupidity. I just wanted to list some nice examples to prove that Im not a freak. Examples of people with Low Functional Aspergers would be Forrest Gump and the Peter Sellars character from the film Being There. Typical behaviors and signs that are different from the masses include: 1. A lack of understanding peoples feelings 2. Difficult understanding at times of the normal or standard uses of language, such as in humor and give-and-take in a conversation 3. Obsessive interest in specific items or information 4. Strong reactions to textures, smells, sounds, sights, or other stimuli that others might not even notice 5. An adroit way of thinking. Basically, my observation skills are different and go against the grain from your standard observer. It has been both a blessing and a curse for me. Elementary school was hell. 7th grade was hell. 8th grade was cool. High school was cool until my senior year. I enjoy being with people. I also enjoy posting things to ellicit reactions from people. Its black or white with me; I either offend people on purpose or I havent a clue that what Im saying is rude. Ive been picked on and called every name in the book in a variety of languages, so I can assure you that I wasnt offended by you and your friends primitive insults. In fact, Maryann, whoever she is, hit it perfectly: Joey has mental issues. I wanted to take over at that point and say Damn girl, you know me! But Marcus wouldnt allow it. An aside: Even I was offended when Marcus posted GET REAL JOBS. Because working for the poor doesnt pay. I thought it was in poor taste. He punched me and told me to go lie down. For the record: I was not lying about the police. My two friends went out and started beating each other up. 10 policemen showed up. Marcus got a slap on the wrist but they found some weed on Trev. Hell only spend a few days in jail, but hes Yakuza and the police over here share the same bed as them. I am neither a rasict nor a poser. I dont know how to pose. I can parody being a poser, but cant actually be one. Anyone who went to school with me will know that I hung out with everyone. I avoided cliques like the plague. Sometimes we may not be able to understand others emotions, though; as a result, I have hurt many people whom I love and care about. I hope they can forgive me. I hid behind a persona in school that everyone who went to high school with me knows: Joltin Joe. People liked me because I was the class clown. Because it was easy that way. But doing it for four years was grueling and a struggle on my part. Because of this, I struggled with anxiety and at times depression. Only really close friends and of course family knew the real me. Robert Beckhart knew me. Sean Lilly, and others that Im going to mention later in private knew me. Even my enemies knew me. A man who lives in Chile I would also consider as a great friend. He knows who he is. People thought we hated each other, but in fact we enjoyed hating each other. Its hard to explain, but we understood one another in a way that was kind of unspoken. My friend, if you disagree then Im gonna have to fly to Santiago and kick your a**. People liked me because I did crazy sh*t and made them laugh. How I ended up being voted homecoming prince Ill never know. How I became Student Body President Ill never know; Being impeached was a blessing because with my condition, I wasnt interested in running a school. I was interested in studying the most minute details of movies. Girls liked me because of my ears more than anything else. I have charming ears(joke). I am a somebody to the people of my world. But basically a nobody in the world as a whole. Just like you: You are somebody to those kids. They need you. The people who were most offended by you and your friends were my two friends: Trevor (Real name Takaaki) who actually is Yakuza; and Marcus, a 65 300-pound highlander whose profession is, well, not exactly legal. Hes just gone through a painful divorce and his wife has basically highjacked his daughter. He wanted to see his friend Joey. Because he knew that I could cheer him up. And some of my FB friends who hadnt a clue what was going on. I have no idea why you dropped Colton Denniss name. Marcus sent him crazy messages that completely freaked him out. Colton, my sincerest apologies. Thanks for looking up to me. And Marco Deleon, youre cool. No, I dont work for the Japanese mob. Thats some crazy (as my friend Desi would say) shizz that my boy Trevor wrote. But Trevor does. No joke. And I wouldnt f*** with him. Im glad hes my friend. I dont know why, but I have lots of friends who work the Red Light districts of Tokyo. I make them laugh. They think Im a crazy American. They enjoy my company. They are the ones that forced me to stop communicating with you and just close with All the best. Im befriended by people from all walks of life. But your friend Keith couldnt leave well enough alone. My friends took over after that for two reasons: It was getting out of hand and theyre protective of me. Sometimes a bit too much. The other reason was because they were both wasted on Tequila. But I dont drink anymore. I made a promise to my family and my great friend Jeremy Boek. And Im going to stick to it. I was frankly surprised that you both could not catch the difference in tone and word usage regarding the responses to Keiths post....when compared to my first posts to you, Jon. Because of my condition, you and your friend stood out like bright lights. Its hard to explain, but I just thought you two were subtly smug; you brought a darkness to my forum. Whats worse, you guys were no fun and didnt belong there. My topic about Martin Luther King park was just an observation that my old classmates and I could discuss. It snowballed into something completely different, and I honestly enjoyed it. But my friends intervened because they knew that it was getting out of hand. I used a manipulation tactic that you fell for hook, line and sinker (I do like baseball metaphors), or reverse psychology: I never called you out, Jon. I called your friend Mr. Fagan out, but I had a hunch that you were the more aggressive of the two and would be the one to initially respond. And you jumped on me like a Doberman (damn, metaphor. Sorry). In the post I called Keith condescending but I only told you to enjoy the rest of the day. Almost as an after thought. To my delight you took the bait. What offended me was your basic human ignorance. Everyones ignorant in some way. Im ignorant about giving pedicures. What the hell do I know about pedicures? Absolutely nothing. But thats an ignorance on a specialty or profession. Your ignorance was something else entirely. I cant stand people who display it the way you and your friends did. Its a pet peeve. Probably because I struggled with being ignorant while growing up, mostly due to my condition. Your kind of ignorance affects me like fingernails down a chalkboard affects most people. I have gotten angry and upset at people, leaving them bewildered as to why I got angry. They couldnt understand. But you dont have what I have; Youre just ignorant. Plain and simple. That doesnt mean that youre not smart. I found you to be very articulate. I mean, you were throwing around grammatical jargon at us like it was nobodys business. And Keith, you display decent observation skills: You mentioned that I was arguing the grammar and not the real issue at hand. A solid hint that Im different. I didnt even notice that. Im now going to say something that is not a scare tactic. Nor a threat. Nor blackmail. Just a fact: Im a nobody that knows people who are somebodys of the world as a whole. After serving my country in the U.S. Navy, I moved overseas. Did you two ever stop to think why I did that? Why would a 21 year old, especially one like me, leave America and live abroad? With virtually no connections, no job offers waiting for me, no knowledge of the Japanese language (except for Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto). Nothing. Just 2 grand in my pocket and a Japanese fiance. I left my family, my friends, my dream to be an actor, everythying. Why? At the end of the day it comes down to who I know and what I actually do for a living. And you two havent the faintest. Neither does practically everyone else I know. Sorry, they cant help you. I have nearly 20 years experience living overseas as a civilian. Not a as serviceman. Not as an expat. But as a civilian. You guys dont know me. Actually, most people, including my family in California, dont know what I actually do or where I actually live. Im based in Japan, but I could be writing this to you from the Dubai. Who knows?Some people think I just teach English, and thats fine. Its just another persona that I can hide behind. The truth Ill keep to myself. Ive done some very bad things that I will never tell people. How many times Ive bitten my tongue when visiting family and friends in The States and wanting to tell them everything. But that would be selfish of me and I would be disowned, or renounced as someone mentioned on the forum. I care about family and friends too much to do that to them. I cursed up a storm because I knew that would shut down the forum. But Before that we printed out everything. All the comments, details of where your office is located, etc. Jon, I know Modesto like the back of my hand. It was once my backyard, too. You dont know much of anything about me, and you certainly dont know my address or even which country Im in right now. You dont know my job. I fear no repercussions. But Ill display modesty and say that Im a nobody and cant really do anything. But as I mentioned, I know somebodys who can. Go on and snicker, laugh and guffaw; it just highlights the ignorance that I mentioned earlier. It was incredibe when all these insane insults were suddenly being posted at a rapid fire pace. Me and the boys just sat back and let you sitting ducks do your thing. My friends and associates at The Japan Times, Tokyo Metropolis Magazine, and The Daily Yomiuri will be receiving these copies of majestic ignorance. What theyll do with them, I have no idea. Probably nothing. Or something. Some people owe me a favor (right Kazu, Peter, and Jonah)? The publication world is very small. They have sister companies in America. Those poor kids that you so care about, and I believe you really do care, would be disappointed in all of you. I will close now with the ultimate insult by you: Among all the crazy stuff that was happening, my 4th grade teacher posted a message to me. I hadnt heard from her in more than 30 years, and you two ruined the experience for me. She is a beautiful person and one of the only teachers that made an effort to understand me. To others, maybe no big deal. But my condition accepts this as very disrespectful. In fact, Im not a very nice person. As my boy Trevor would say, in a thick Japanese accent: You baka Gainjin done f***** up. All the best, ME
Posted on: Sat, 16 Nov 2013 15:08:23 +0000
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