Dear Star Wars - Attack of the Clones (the unwanted 13 years too late review); 1. For the most part, better than Phantom Menace, though I still got 99 problems with you although Natalie Portmans modified-princess leia-costume-now-new-and-improved-with-exposed-midriff aint one. 2. Way less JarJarBinks. Good ! But still cringe worthy every time he shows up. Wait, now HE is planet Naboos representative ? Bad. He is center stage addressing a billion alien world representatives in like the most important galactic senate hearing ever where jillions of lives hang in the balance like this: Wee-za gots to doobee doobee sumtin mee-za tinks, whazza sez yoouzees ? Jawdroppingly poor. Next....! 3. Hayden Christensens modified jedi rat-tail (back-of-left-ear-rat-tail?)? So hip, Mr. Lucas. Oh and he is all Jedi dressed in black....ahhhh I get it now, I see where this is going... 4. Everytime Hayden Christensen tried to act ? Ugh. Quite possibly the little boy in the first movie was better. THATS saying something. To the point where scenes could have been good if he knew how to act. And directed. I blame Lucas for a lot of this. Coulda Woulda Shoulda. When Padme confesses her love to him (before going off to be executed, natch), my eyes rolled not to the back of my head, but to the back of my cranium for the sheer disbelief of it all. You love THIS rat tail guy ??? WHY ??? 5. Now apparently he is supposed to be Mr Bad Boy young jedi. So wooden. The writing is so terrible I almost feel sorry for Obi-Wan having to deal with his constant crappola and I feel bad for Evan McGregor having to be saddled with him. The writing even makes it so Master Obi is the worst and most ineffective teacher ever. You would think the real deal bad ass Samuel L. Jackson would step in, grab Anakin by the neck and say SIT the F down ! Youre the Gawd damn chosen one! Obi: Do this, Apprentice. (for the millionth time) Anakin: I will do the opposite, Master. (for the millionth time) Obi: Wait. Stop. (for the millionth time) WE GET IT ALREADY ! 6. As the first movie, the presence of C-3PO and R2D2 make for incredibly obvious and inconsistently huge plot holes between the old and new movies. Didnt anyone bother to care about this ? And though I like the bickering banter between the two in this movie, C3PO is such a prissy lil deek. Plot holes and questions come into play also when The Future Mr Vader visits Tatooine. Rather have these two droids provide comic relief then anything or anyone else though. 7. So Future Mr Vader cracks and kills a tribe of Sandpeople because they took his mother and tortured her and he finds her and she dies in his arms (coincidentally dying of her wounds about 10 seconds after he finds her). Its SO poorly directed and executed. I SO wanted to care about this. But again, it comes off stunted and half-arse. Id rather see a traumatic death scene here and see some craft and a sad poignant defining moment enough that I can connect with it. THEN see him take out the entire tribe instead of a scene shift where he is just talking about doing the deed. 8. Liked a lot of the action sequences, if totally too CGId out. I was strangely obsessed with trying to figure out air traffic vehicular safety law and/or traffic regulations on Coruscant. The action sequence flying around thru Coruscant traffic was fun enough.. 9. How is it that no one can figure out or deduce that deekbag Senator Palpatine is really a Dark Sith Emperor ? Cant the Jedi council kind of smell it on him at this point ? The dude is making a play and succeeds to have sole executive powers in the Senate ala Hitler. Well...ok....if you insist Sir. Would you like a DeathStar to go with that ? And stereotypically asian viceroys.....again with you two, Why. Are. You. Here ??? 10. Lost the train of logic with the clones being made for the Rebublic....on behalf of someone somewhere somehow asking for clones to be made for the Republic.. on a planet somehow erased from existence (????)....from an alien race that looked like they would rather be having more fun making waterproof Gucci handbags than clones...and approving/underwriting a process to make a billion clones out of a shady bounter hunter.....a bounty hunter savvy enough (said sarcastic) to leave his calling card to be tracked to this non-existing planet...who wanted one of these clones to be his son...said clone who grows up to be Boba Fett (because please shoe-horn him in now)..and then spilling all of this info to some random Jedi who just happens to pop in visiting this planet...that dosent exist. ....Seems legit ! 10a. These aliens reminded me of the aliens in Spielbergs movie AI. Not a good thing. That movie sucked. Repeat. Why. Are. You. Here. ??? 11. Best thing in the movie. Seismic Shock Bombs in the action sequence in the (sigh....again Lucas with the) asteroid field chase. If the whole movie was just seismic shock bombs, Id be good with that. And Yoda finally getting his light saber ass kicking on. 12. And more hammy Christopher Lee as Count Dooku please, we dont get enough of what his deal is. And of course Lucas has to tie this all together. Ah, Dooku was Yodas apprentice. Ah, Quin-Jon was Dokus apprentice....Dear Lucas, not everyone has to be related or joined somehow. 13. Nice touch having Yoda teaching or appraising about 10 young kids about the force, but these lil kids are allowed to have light sabers ? ....And the scene calls for them to be helmet-blinded to feel the force without seeing? ok. But staged so that the all the kids are all about 2 feet away from each other about and to slice everything around them to light-saber-suey? Cmon Lucas ! I cringed when I saw this scene. 14. Seems these Jedis should review/re-assess their apprenticeship program, something aint working. 15. Ok so Anakin gets his arm cut off with a light saber. Check. You would think that hurt a little more than how that was staged, I dont think I heard one scream or shout of anguish ? Seems so after-thought been there done that, which it was when Luke gets his hand cut off by Anakin/Vader. Maybe Lucas wants all this repetitiveness or is he he just out of ideas and constantly going back to the well? I cant tell. 15. Cant get behind the last scene secret marriage of Padme/Anakin, again with plot-hole droids as witnesses. Its just too tidy/untidy/too many questions. I get forbidden love and all that. Padme should be more sensical than this, I dont buy the connection between the two. 16. Of course I nit picked this to death and could go on, but I guess the final verdict is, I liked it marginally, felt more like Star-Wars, but still way too wooden and poorly executed. On to the third !!
Posted on: Fri, 02 Jan 2015 04:48:03 +0000
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