Dear Terpsi, I always thought I understood the mirada/cabeceo ritual, but in the past year, attending festivals and marathons monthly in the US, Ive found that some people see it differently. Their perspective is that the followers response to cabeceo should be to not make eye contact at all if they are not interested in a dance. That the leader should just understand that they are adept with their peripheral vision, and should spend no more than 10 seconds cabeceoing before they cease their inquiry. As a leader, I certainly dont want to get turned down, but if I am going to be, I prefer that the follower acknowledge my invitation with eye contact, and then indicate the rejection with some sort of small gesture like looking down/away. Prefers to Know the Worst Dear Mr Prefers, I think my own attitude is a mixture of the two things you outline here. I dont think you have to assume that someone has seen you in their peripheral vision or that there is any rule for how many seconds you should spending attempting to catch someones visual attention before giving up. And I think that if you dont want to dance with someone who is trying to cabeceo you, you dont necessarily have to avoid their eye, you *can* just make eye contact and look down or away, if you like. But I think youre under no obligation to do so as a follower (or leader even) and I prefer not to, if possible, in many cases. Because there are a lot of reasons why I might not want to accept a leaders cabeceo right now, but I dont want to give him a definitive no because I might well want to dance with him again later or on another occasion and Im afraid a clear signal of no, thanks might put him off attempting to ask me again anytime soon. One of my favourite things about mirada/cabeceo is precisely that you have more flexibility in your choices because you are never put on the spot and made to say a definite yes or no. Here are ten sample reasons why this might be the case: (1) Im tired or injured, so, just for tonight, Im only dancing with reliable old favourite partners who I know will treat me gently. (2) Im a little tipsy and I dont mind dancing with close friends (who wont judge) but Im not going to inflict my possibly wobbly self on a stranger (*especially* if you are a good dancer). (3) I havent had a chance to see you dance and I dont feel like risking a tanda with any more unknowns sight unseen tonight. (4) I might dance with you another time -- I rather like you and want to encourage you -- but right now Ive danced with my quota of charity cases and need to leave you for another evening. (Here in Baires, I rarely do charity dances, personally, but I know others do, especially in smaller diaspora communities.) (5) You have Left Arm Issues and my right arm is already a little achy from dancing with a few cyborg leaders with iron open side arms. Its a shame, because I love your musicality. But Ive got to let my arm muscles recover before I embrace you. (This reason is more frequently applicable than you might think.) (6) Im not crazy about this orchestra but I will dance to it if Dreamboat cabeceos me because he is too tempting to miss out on ever. (7) I love dancing with you, but I ESPECIALLY enjoy it to Di Sarli (youre so gorgeously smooth). You tend to dance only one tanda with me per evening, so if I dance these bouncy Biagis with you, Ill miss out on the opportunity to glide around the floor with you to El Cielo y Tú. (8) This is very big, dramatic music and that tends to bring out the worst tendencies in your dancing. Im waiting for a set of simple Canaros to look in your direction. (9) Id love to dance with you later, but right now Dreamboat is finally looking at me. Im not taking my eyes off him till I see whether hes about to give me his characteristic tilted cabeceo gesture. (10) This is my favourite orchestra. Its special to me and Im extra choosy about who I dance it with (since my favourite orchestra is Pugliese, which most people find especially challenging to dance to, I think this is doubly justified in my own personal case). All these reasons mean not right now, maybe later. Of course, just making eye contact and then looking away can mean that too. But I know some guys will take it to mean no, never. So I avoid it if I can. One exception is if theres a confusion about who Im mirada-ing and two guys both think Im accepting their invitation to dance. Then I might very clearly signal no, its not you Im looking at *right now*, making sure I wear a big smile as I do so. If *you* need to reject a female friend who is clearly and unmistakably looking straight at you, theres one very elegant way of doing so, by the way. Greet her with a smile, wave and a mouthed hello instead and *then* look away. Last night at De Querusa a friend saw me looking over at him. He clearly didnt want to dance with me right then. So he rushed over to me, arms outstretched, gave me a big hug and said Terpsi! How lovely to see you. Hope you have a great night. Now, *that* was an elegant rejection. Hope this is helpful. Abrazos! Terpsi xoxo
Posted on: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 13:27:45 +0000
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