Dear friends and family, My eyes look steadily, slowly at the surroundings I have called home for the past 6 months. I am trying to memorise the colours, the sounds, and the smells of the chemotherapy room. The people who are quickly walking around to each patient, they used to be just a face to me, I now know like family. These people have seen the best and the worst of me in these past months. It is my last day of treatment. The treatment I have despised, hated, and cried about was almost to an end. I thought I would feel an overwhelming relief, almost euphoric happiness burst inside of me. Instead it was different. Dont get me wrong I was happy, but I was also terrified. You see, receiving that weekly poison kept cancer from activating in my body. It made me feel safe, protected. I was not sure how to reconcile with the parting of my safety blanket. I did not want to depend on it, but I also did not want the deeply seeded thoughts in my brain to begin growth. The most feared thought cancer patients have; will it come back? We want, I want, a written guarantee...no more cancer. You have suffered enough, we will not allow you to worry every day; did I do enough? Did they give me the right dosage? Should I have stayed on chemo another month? What do I have to do to get that guarantee? The problem, only time will tell. Only time will answer these gnawing questions, and these questions will remain in the back of my head for that time period. I will have to figure out a way to deal and accept the unknown. I know, for me it will be difficult, but if I can take it one day at a time and live life every day to the absolute fullest, time will go by before we know it. After all this is what I prayed for every night. Please God, give me more time here on earth. I want to live so badly. What do I have to do Lord, to show you how bad I want life? One can see the tightrope that is walked even though I am thrilled chemo is over, most importantly the steroids, wow! They will make you look like a football player in no time at all! I just want it to be truly over with everything. I believe God will bring peace to my heart, and believe me I will be forever grateful for the opportunity God has granted to live a wonderful life. The next step is radiation. I will have to go every day for my radiation treatments. These treatments will take 33 days. I will of course let you know how its going. I so truly appreciate your comments,support and time you have given. I have learned something special from this journal. if someone takes the time to pour their heart and soul out to you by writing their intimate thoughts. The feeling of happiness is overwhelming when it is acknowledged. It honestly has been a huge part of my healing and recovery. I will be sure to pass it on. Still Alive! Love and thanks, Janelle
Posted on: Sun, 18 May 2014 03:58:25 +0000