Debi has been struggling with her MS since before Thanksgiving. We had some very tough times, the toughest we have ever been through in our 26+ years together. I have fallen short as a supporting loving husband and Debi has also not stepped up as is her natural way. We seem to be easing into calm waters now. We could use the break. With Debi sleeping soundly beside me I decided to share some of what my/our, journey has been like. Shell be up soon so I wont make it long. My hope is someone will need to read this at this time in their life. In May of 2006 my wife started losing vision in her left eye. She started having horrendous head pain and fatigue. This was so unlike her. At first she reported a sort of “blurriness” in her peripheral vision, comparing it to a dirty contact lens or smudge on your glasses. I remember her getting up from the couch numerous times one evening and heading to the bathroom mirror. Was it a rogue eyelash that found its way onto her pupil? Perhaps a smattering of makeup? Eventually the blurriness moved to the center of her vision. Besides being incredibly frustrating, it was a clue that something was very, very wrong. “It feels like there is a white ball directly in front of me,” my wife explained one day during lunch. “I can see your hairline, but I can’t see your face.” I said honey, its worse than you think. Im bald! I have no hairline! She made an appointment with her doctor. More tests. More unanswered questions. An order to get an MRI. A phone call one work afternoon. “Honey,” my wife said with a shaky voice. “The doctor asked for you to come to his office. I will remember every inch of that 18 mile drive, every rock, every cloud. I remember every tick tock of time as it passed......I will always remember that drive. We met with the doctor and my wife with the still shaky voice they think I have MS, I am so sorry.... My heart leaped! Its not cancer! I thought to myself over and over. Wait, did she just apologize to me for being sick? Why? Id watched other men whos spouses became ill, some terminal, and promised myself I would do better than they did....so much better for my love. The flood of emotions that we were forced to wallow in over the next few weeks was something I would not wish on anyone. We allowed ourselves to be sad for just one day, however, promising that we would instead choose to act swiftly. My wife is not the type of person to dilly dally. An initial visit to a leading neurologist confirmed the diagnosis, specifically Relapsing-Remitting Multiple Sclerosis (RRMS). The Lumbar puncture was the defining moment for diagnostics of this disease short of a biopsy of the brain. The most common form of the disease, RRMS causes the afflicted patient to experience attacks of worsening neurologic functioning followed by periods of remission. In other words, some days will really suck while most will not. Repeat. Her neurologist agreed with that summary. “Worst-case scenario is that it won’t even be the worst-case scenario,” the doctor told us. “It will just be a pain in the ass.” Since that day my wife has undergone steroid treatments that would make a body builder blush. Optic neuritis, the cause of her partial blindness and a common initial symptom of MS, is often treated by pumping a shitload of Pregnazone into your veins. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt. “If nothing else, I’ll be able to kick your ass,” she told me while sitting in treatment chair. “You always could kick my ass.” “That’s true. Wimp.” For us the initial steroid treatment was successful in Debi regaining her vision. Maintaining a good sense of humor throughout this whole ordeal has been critical for us. It’s become the standard operating procedure our marriage follows whenever times get rough. No matter the situation, find a way to joke about it. Find a way to laugh. It helps when your wife is a smartass. “Whoops,” she declared after tripping over an ottoman in our home. “That ol’ MS must be flaring up again!” “It isn’t affecting your balance, dear,” I reasoned. “Shut up. You have to be nice to me. MS-override!” The laughter helps me cope with it all. At the risk of sounding selfish (which I have learned is silly to worry about), many thoughts cross the mind of someone whose spouse has been diagnosed with a life-altering condition. Will she be able to work? Will we be able to afford treatment? Can we find the best doctors and the best treatments? Yet, one question came to me not because I contemplated acting on it, but because the mind has a shitty way of asking you the deepest, darkest questions you could ever imagine. “Do you want to stay with her?” Before I got married—in fact, long before I even met my wife—I was given a piece of advice that I will never forget. “If you decide to marry, it is not to be done out of convenience. It is to offer your life to another at a time when it would feel unnatural to do otherwise.” That advice didn’t mean much to me when I first heard it as a teenager. I simply hadnt been in a relationship strong enough for the advice to ring true. As if on cue, another phrase that I had heard many times before—and even said at my wedding—immediately popped into my head. “Good times and bad.” While my wife did not sign up for the Multiple Sclerosis Giveaway, I definitely signed up to take care of her. If this was the path our lives had to take, then I already agreed to drive that bus long ago. I would make the same choice a million times over. I have tripped and fallen flat on my face time and time again over my pledge to do better than other husbands did when their wives became ill. I will fall again, but I will never stop getting back up....for Debi. I am not better than them. I cannot do better than them. I can only do whats in my heart and forgive myself when I fall short as Debi forgives me. There are many challenges in store for both my wife and me; that much we know for certain. I also know that she is the bravest, toughest, strongest person I’ve ever met. I’m forever thankful that she’s allowed me to love her as much as I do. Even if she can kick my ass.
Posted on: Sat, 01 Feb 2014 12:48:44 +0000
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