Depression can be transactional. Things can be going reasonably well...one can be reasonably happy/satisfied. The depression can be so quiet that one is tempted to believe it has disappeared. Then an interceding event occurs and the depression which has lied largely dormant remerges demanding attention. Sometimes the event is really huge. Death of a close family member...a divorce...losing ones home or job...things that could even cause someone without the underlying propensity towards depression to become so. Sometimes the event is much smaller. The event I have in mind is getting sick. Not some sort of terminal illness...life threatening condition...chronic illness...something as small and simple as getting a cold. I find myself not feeling very good today...though hardly dying. And I find myself really down. One of the things that hit me is certain techniques that I use to manage my depression arent available to me when Im sick. One of the ones I miss the most is the act of touching...and being touched. Im sick...I dont want to make anyone else sick. I cant seek to touch...and I have to avoid people touching me. To the second point...its hard to convey to someone who doesnt struggle with depression what it means to have someone touch you. Even if you feel completely worthless...if someone is willing to touch you it suggests maybe they dont think you are worthless. You might have some value you cannot see. There are numerous others coping mechanisms that are not available to me when Im sick. Absent those coping mechanisms I can find myself getting really down for seemingly no reason...the why doesnt make sense even to me. I find myself feeling very hopeless...searching for hope in a way I dont generally do in my day to day existence. Thumbing through pictures of my Nephew Boys...thinking about friends I love...trying to remind myself how l fortunate I am. And the funny this is how temporary the whole business is. The depression is transactional to the length of the illness. As one feels better, the depression lifts. Goes back to its lair to hide...or perhaps rest. Maybe it gets tired...I dont know. It sure tires me out. As I am able to deploy my coping mechanisms for my depression, I am able to resume what is my normal now...a generally happy, reasonably satisfied person. Its not that I sink into the depths of depression...that doesnt really happen anymore. Its just I get a very strong reminder of my inherent vulnerability. An appreciation how vitally important my coping mechanisms are...mechanisms I deploy without even thinking about them in my day to day life. I get a sense of what life would be like...a reminder of what life was like...absent those coping mechanisms. I cant make an argument that as a person with depression I love people anymore that someone who doesnt struggle with depression. Though...all bullshit aside...I sure do love the people in my life. I can maybe make the case that I value the people in my life a bit more because of my depression. Depression is by its very nature is self isolating. For many years I lived in self imposed isolation...in a seemingly endless spiral downward. I dont experience the downward spiral anymore because of the people I have in my life. They provide a floor in my depression past which I will not fall. Their care...their concern...their very existence floats me until I regain my sea legs so to speak. I have a very keen sense of what my life would be if I were left to my own devices...how much I rely on others to keep me from the worst of myself. So in a very real way being sick is a good thing for me...as counterintuitive as that sounds. I get a very concrete reminder of the perils of self isolation. A very real sense of just how far I have come in the last three years or so. And I am reminded of just how fortunate I am to have the people I have in my life now. The depression is transactional...the perspective is more enduring...
Posted on: Sat, 15 Mar 2014 15:54:40 +0000
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