Did I ever tell you about the time my sister Molly gave me a bottle of orange flavored aspirin (100 count) and told me they were candy. So... and they are good, let me tell ya - my doctor in Chatt, TN told me to take two aspirin a day for good heart benefits and which ones do I take? - thats right the little orange puppies but I have to take like 25 or 30 cause they are for children, obviously. Anyway, I was only about 4 years old or so and candy did not have to be flavored at all but the orange flavor helped so I climbed up on the counter-top to to lay claim on my bottle of candy and I popped the top (no child proof caps at that time but that would not have stopped me - see my new business card to know why) and began to enjoy a fine dinning experience. Cutting to the chase, my oldest sister walked in and gasped in horror (not at first though cause I have a distinct memory of her and Molly talking for about 15 minutes saying crap like Well, we can just let him croak and say that we didnt know he had eaten them all and Or we can just wait until we call mom and dad so that it will be to late for the doctors to bring him back., etc, etc. - I mean pure, evil thoughts.). THEN...she acted all concerned for me Baby bro what have you done, quick - we must act fast to save your life - why did you do such a thing? blah, blah, blah. I said Im stocking up and trying to raise my ml of aspirin per ml of blood level so when I am a tender 16 years of age and Ricky Chaney starts beating me like a rag doll I will not much care for my entire body will be numb (swing away Ricky cause it aint hurtin - by the way, I saw Ricky when I first moved back to the Cross and he was very friendly, probably because he realized he nearly beat me to death. But I still ducked and zagged to the left when he started to shake my hand - you know casue he coulda had flashbacks or something - Im just saying, it never hurts to err on the side of caution.). Now I was starting to catch my first buzz and and my mother and father arrived about this time and I was already experiencing toxic addiction and withdrawals and all - and they took me to the emergency room where I was immediately promoted to the first spot available and the doctor yelled Bring that dumb, little...oh, hey there Joel, bring your wonderful intelligent son in here. They all ganged up on me and strapped me to the gurney and he pulled out what looked like a 24 sewer main and tried to shove that thing down my throat and into my belly - actually, he really did not have much of a problem since I was comatose and close to death (and I saw a dark, shadowy figure at the end of a long tunnel who said Come this way you sweet child - come to the light. except for the tunnel was aimed strait down toward the pit and bowels of the earth, so naturally, I was suspicious and did not follow him). Then, the top of my skull bowed inward from the suction pressure in my stomach and which is why I will never, ever suffer from stomach cancer - cause anything and everything that could ever cause anything bad to occur anywhere in the vicinity of my belly was forever sucked out in an instant...along with 100 partially digested, orange flavored aspirin. Then they made me attend a 1 hour drug rehabilitation course, sign a document that I understood everything covered during drug rehab but I objected to signing it cause it said something about me being of legal age and sound mind, etc. and the doctor looked around to make sure my dad wasnt in the room and then whipped around and yelled Sign the document or (as he grabbed the big 24 pipe) were gonna play with the vacuum pump again. So I was like Chill out, no need to jump out of your skin dog. (I was acting all cool and stuff cause, I was after all, a druggie now). I signed it and that was it. To sum up, I ate 100 orange flavored aspirin, experienced a narcotic high, went to the emergency room where they pumped my stomach out and rehabilitated me at the same time. BTW, I am still in the planning stage of getting them back cause I have that sniper like patience.
Posted on: Thu, 13 Mar 2014 15:55:16 +0000
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