Difficult, Peaceful, Consuming, Empty, Joyful, and Encouraging. These are the words that I feel describe March 31, 2010. Ava Jayne Young, 7 pounds 1/2 oz, 20 inches long would’ve celebrated her 4th birthday today. Difficult - I miss her, long to see her smile, hear her voice, hold her hand, and be with her everyday. Peaceful - I know she is safe, happy, and is at the feet of Our Heavenly Father. I am at peace knowing where my daughter is, and that my boys and I are walking a road that leads us closer to Him and Ava. Consuming - My mind races, wanders, and finds itself consumed with thoughts of “what”. What would she love? What would she think? What would she do? What would be her favorite color? What superhero would be her favorite? Empty - There is no describing the empty space in your heart when you lose a child, during any stage of pregnancy, or after. It begins as a huge painful empty space and although with time the space slowly becomes smaller, it is forever present. It will not go away and it cannot be patched. It is now part of you forever. Joyful - “Joy is not the absence of trouble but the presence of Christ.” Today, is a day to celebrate because I know the Lord was with me that day, and many other days, and that He scooped up my sorrow and allowed me to live in the moment. There is not one detail of that day that I do not remember. I find joy in knowing I was in the moment. Encouraging - I have so many precious supportive people in my life, who truly have good hearts. I have been lifted up, inspired, and encouraged to go on, to live, to enjoy, to breath during those moments when it feels like breathing is the most difficult thing you have ever done. So many people say I am strong, but truly it is others around me who are true, who know me, who know when I fake happy, who know exactly what to say, who have been there in my shoes, who drive hours to be with me, who let me pour out my crazy and love me anyway, that make me strong. Someone asked me why I would put all of this on Facebook. It just seems too much and ruins the lighthearted spirit of things. Well, to those, I say, because I am her mother, because it is my job to tell the world she mattered, because she was my daughter, because she changed my life, because she will forever be remembered. With that I shout from the mountain tops, “HAPPY 4th BIRTHDAY AVA JAYNE YOUNG! I love you and miss you. Today, you have a better celebration than we can imagine, for you celebrate with Our Lord and Savior, and this year your daddy is able to be a part of the praise. Ava Jayne, you are forever in my heart.”
Posted on: Mon, 31 Mar 2014 11:08:42 +0000
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