Doctor Who - The 11 Uses Of The Bowtie (as spoken by the 11th Doctor): (Part 1) Hello all you lads and lashettes out there. This is the Doctor speaking. No, Im not the new Doctor that is in my ever prominent and inevitable future, but still I must point out that when I did finally manage to meet my future self I was rather impressed with the way he had filled my shoes. Sure, maybe hes not as young-looking and fun as I am, in fact hes rather arrogant and intense, but still hes a man after my own heart. Well hearts actually, Im a Time Lord and not even remotely human. *stares nervously a moment* Im not even remotely half-human. Anyway, I just wanted to take this opportunity to tell you all out there a little bit about the various uses of the bowtie *adjusts his bowtie* - Yes, there is in fact a variety of uses of the bowtie, cause bowties are cool as are fezes. But Im not here to talk about the uses of the fez, though frankly I cant think of any uses off-hand for a fez other than the fact that River made a moving target out of one once and I tossed another through a hole in the fabric of space/time which lead me to eventually meet my former self *smiles and does the wandering stare into space a moment* - matchstick man. *looks back and focuses again* Anyway, nevermind that, I wanted to tell you a little bit about what Ive been doing over these past 300 years or so. Its interesting how Im getting to be nearly 2, 000 years old now, give or take a couple decades here and there. *gestures a bit then rubs together his hands for a moment* But hey, thats how it is for Time Lords though fortunately with Clara away visiting The Dark Market of Avarn on the planet Avarnilon, I have the opporunity to talk about the uses of the bowtie without Clara bumping in to ask questions between the answers. But enough about that for right now. Are we ready then? - *Gets into his familiar, wandering eyed stance* Now then, where shall I start first? First of all, I should point out that various travelers of space and time rely heavily on a variety of methods of getting around and seeing the universe as well as relying on certain items about their person. Where an intergalactic, cargo ship hopping hitchhiker may rely on a towel for protection, any true and proper traveler of space and time, namely those of my own people, wouldnt be caught dead in a nest of Tytherian Goat-Serpents without their ever reliable sonic screwdriver or laser screwdriver and of course their ever trustworthy TARDIS to get them anywhere they want to or need to go. But sometimes, in certain situations, a little bit of extra help is needed from something other than a sonic screwdriver or a TARDIS. Take for example, the time of my 4th incarnation when I would make use of an overly long scarf to get me out of rather tight and dodgy situations such as falling down the side of a ravine or pulling myself out of messy pools of muck whenever Id get stuck in them *glances into space again, smiling a moment* Oh yes, those were the days. They never get old, such wonderful times those were - *focuses again* Anyway, a bowtie has similar uses which have over the years pulled me out of various tight and dodgy situations, which brings me to the number 11 use of a bowtie - Holding two pieces of a starships haul together, thus allowing you to save an entire crew and passangers onboard! *Flashbacks* Seriously, its not that hard when you have a long enough ribbon made of elaborately woven, nano-organic spun infinium tweed, which is as flexible, as hard and as durable as solar diamond wire, which is forged in suns by the way, and is as thin, strong and compact as infinium ironspiders web, yet breathable and light, not itchy or rough to wear or to the touch *adjusts bowtie again* Yeah, you follow me? In fact, if I was to put Infinium Tweed on a rating scale of of tensile cloth strength, I would rate it at a level point degree of 9.958 tensila strength, sitting right up there on the top of the list next to starspun wool and infinium silk, making it one of the strongest types of cloth in the known universe, although heavy-spun dwarf star alluminium cloth would have worked better when holding two pieces of a starships haul together since thats considered the strongest cloth in the known universe and also remarkably dexterous and fireproof. But still, infinium tweed has some rather good fireproof though not as much as I would have liked, but it does have some remarkable liquid repelling and liquid isolating qualities, which now brings me to the number 10 use of a bowtie - Preventing a deadly poison from getting into a space colonys water supply! *Flashbacks* If there is one thing that infinium tweed is very good at doing is keeping you dry. Truly, its like a cast layered Pangarian wet suit, but made of cloth. Seriously, if I know anything about alien types of cloth and fiber, which I do as a matter of fact, infinium tweed never gets completely saturated, not ever. Sure, the surface might get a little bit damp and it shows, but it never stays damp for long I can assure you. Which makes the cloth extremely useful when carrying and holding water. Truly, there are a variety of alien races located at all 9 corners of the known universe who know how to use infinium tweed for a variety of purposes and uses. But my use of the bowtie made of the cloth took on more of a life or death situation once when an alien race known as the Hithracene threatened to kill off the inhabitants of an entire Andalphylin Colony on the planet Andaflorgim 9. Yeah, they attempted to poison their main water supply, but I stopped them by using my bowtie and stopping up their main depositor pipe. I got an award from The Andalphylin Government for that - and quite a few marriage proposals. Turned them all down of course since I am married to River and a Time Lord is always true and loyal to their mates. Yes, I said that with a plural cause a Gallifreyans are known to have more than just one wife at the same time, but I only wanted River at the time hense the turning down of marriage proposals. Although I was rather tempted since Andalphylins are quite an attractive alien species, they are closely related to the Basanans of the planet Basan. The Andalphylins have some rather large and lovely wings that can easily wrap around you snuggly. Youd certainly feel safe and be rather warm and comfy. *pauses abd stares a moment, then focuses again* And besides, Ive already been married 4 times including River and Ive already had 11 children between my first 2 wives, both of which were Gallifreyan and both of which were quite beautiful. I grew up along side my first 2 wives you know, we all went to the Academy together. But they are all gone now as far as I know with the exception of River but this old sires child siring days are over as far as I can tell. But you never with me and River since she really does know how to use those handcuffs... *pauses a moment and glares concernly* ...spoilers... Anyway, it is now time for the number 9 use of the bowtie - The bowties use in a marriage bond! *Flashbacks* - The Wedding of River Song: Personally, I think this should be labeled as the number 1 use of the bowtie, since the marriage ribbon was of great religious importance and ceremonial value to my people. Its how my people had been getting married for eons. But my marriage to River Song was the quick and basic set up of a typical Gallifreyan marriage: Upon the binding of the hands with the marriage ribbon, the parents of the bride would say I concent and gladly give as would the parents of the groom, followed by the exchanging of vows and symbols of marriage. But unlike on Earth where the symbols of marriage are entirely in the form of wedding rings, we Gallifreyans exchanged symbols of marriage can take on a variety of forms of wedding jewelry since all our symbols of marriage are handed down to us in the form of marriage heirlooms, a piece of jewelry passed down within the family that is exchanged between the couple that symbolizes the marriage between them, may it be in the form of a broach, a necklace, a bracelet or a ring. For both my first 2 marriages, they were wedding bracelets, not surprising of course since that is the most common form of marriage heirlooms on Gallifrey. Anyway, if one or both of the couples parents are not present at the wedding, the duty of consenting the marriage is handed down to another chosen party of one or both of the couple. According to the Ancient Laws of Marriage on Gallifrey, a Time Lord or Time Lady can only have and be married to 5 partners at the same time. Well, I never went past 2 while I was in Gallifrey, and both Stellanaura and Crystiana were quite enough for me thank-you very much. Sorry, I am talking a lot arent I? I hope this isnt boring you cause blimey, we would be missing out on all the other uses of the bowtie that we havent mentioned yet. *siren goes off on the TARDIS console, distracting the Doctor* - Sorry, but Im gonna have to finish this later. It seems that the TARDIS is spiraling towards a Time Wake, a very unpleasant encounter since their will likely be Reapers involved, I hate Reapers. So hold on tight and I will be back to you as soon as the danger has passed. Sorry, gotta dash, its a bit of an emergency! *gets jerked to the floor* Arrgh! (What do you think so far?)
Posted on: Sat, 10 Jan 2015 06:47:02 +0000
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