External cyber emotional processing: figuring some shit out. Reflecting on ideals spoken about today... Meaningful > Trivial Deep > Shallow Caring > Callous Curiosity > Apathy Authentic > Dubious Trust > Doubt Engagement > Indifference Compassion > Judgment Truth > Lies Tolerance > Intolerance Understanding > Misconception Autonomy > Oppression Love > Hate Health > Harm This list can go on. Im feeling into how I desire things to be, within my self and in relation to others. In this list the former words are those ideals I feel have virtue which I resonate with and wish to cultivate more of in my life. While the latter, in my experience, tends to be a discordant energy that I feel does not serve, which I have aversion to or may embody in my darker/unbalanced states, behavior that Im critical of. Im very sensitive and empathic, I have strong convictions, my moral code is my guidance system. When these ideals are out of balance I feel extremely affected. I may take it personally or seriously, I may feel wronged or that some action or behavior is not fair or just. It usually hits home and it often equates to pain or discomfort. This certainly applies to my own actions or behavior as well, in which case my emotional response is shame or guilt. I am so affected by these things that at times it seems like I feel TOO much, that I take things to heart in an extreme way that does not serve me, it makes me so emotional. At times it can be debilitating. Which is why I am called to explore this. I feel that this extreme amount of feeling is for a good reason and while it has felt turbulent and challenging, with some mastery in the way of boundary setting and fortification of my truest self I may be about to utilize it rather than feel controlled by it. I am grateful that I can feel. In digging into this exploration what comes to mind/heart is how much suffering I have felt, especially when I feel like something is wrong/unjust. It takes me back to Buddhist concepts of suffering. I recall a quote describing suffering as wanting things to be different than they are. And so here is where Im feeling into how I desire things to be. When I feel the pain inflicted on others or myself I wish I could make it stop. Much of the time I can not change the way things are. In this I feel despair, because I just wish for things to be well. I am attached to that desire. I am attached to these ideals and when they are changing or fleeting I feel the pain of their lack. So how to I cope or deal with this pain? Radical acceptance while preserving my integrity. Taking the action that am capable of and accepting what I can not change. This is something Im going to be chewing on for awhile, maybe a lifetime. I will say this though, the darker aspects make things a hell of a lot more interesting at least. Is it not of ten this struggle/suffering where much inspiration for art music and other forms of expression comes from? Sometimes is just hurts so bad.
Posted on: Wed, 09 Jul 2014 07:26:09 +0000
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