F.I. SPY More exclusive dialogue leaked from an F1 Team’s strategy meeting following the Hungarian Grand Prix – the names have been changed to protect the mischievous: STRATEGY MEETING 2014 – SECOND HALF ATTENDING: Louis Hammer-Down (LH) English Driver with American celebrity girlfriend Finberg O’Gerrinow (FO) German(ish) Driver with famous dad – team-mate Baron von Bean-Zähler (BvB-Z) Financial Director Tooter Whitefang (TW) Team Principle Nickë Loudënuff (NL) Ex Racing Driver and Team Advisor BvB-Z: “Jentlemen…” tap, tap, tap, tap, tap… “If I may bring zis meeting to order.” LH: Aside to his team-mate: “Who’s he?” FO: “From Corporate. A Big-Vig… chuckle.” BvB-Z: “I am Baron von Bean-Zähler, zee Fuehrer of zee Budget for Marketing, vich includes Racing”. Small chest puff-out. Long glance around room. “Herr Loudënuff, Herr Whitefang, Herr O’Gerrinow, Herr ‘Ammer-Down, tsank you vor coming today.” LH: “Kan vee speak English, only my German’s not too good yet.” FO: “Stop fiddling with your ear-piece. He is speaking English.” BvB-Z: “Today ve need to decide how ve vill manage the rest of the season”. LH: “Manage… like extra motivation, with a bonus… maybe… ehh… is that wot you mean?” BvB-Z: “Nein”. LH: “Nine?” “Per Cent?” “That’s a bit mean.” BvB-Z: “Nein, not nine, nein – no bonus… look at your iPad Herr ‘Ammer-Down … see zee Agenda – ve are here, team strategy for the rest of the year, to discuss”. LH: “It’s still in German”. FO: “Press your ‘translate’ button. Look.” LH: “Nope – no good – it’s still in German – oh – it says the points-leader at half-season is to become the Team Leader and will get Number One status for all remaining races”. FO: “So it does. A team leader. What a good idea. I agree. Best for the team. Can we go now?” NL: “Gut. That’s not right. It makes perfect sense. They should be allowed to race. We are a Team, the team is the most important thing. I haven’t seen this. I don’t agree. Good idea.” Thinks: “All bases covered, I wonder if they’ll keep paying me?” TW: “So it does. Team leader. Good idea. I agree. Should we have a female driver? Can we go now?” NL: “Should the team leader of a German team be a German driver… is a question?” FO: “Ja… makes sense”. BvB-Z: “Of course” LH: “That’ll kill your export market in the States”. BvB-Z: “Vot?” NL: “Vot?” TW: “What?” FO: “Nien it von’t”. LH: “Oh yes it will… my girl says it’s a dead cert… she has very well connected management in the USA and, as a contingency, her management company has multi-lateral talks set up with every one of your competitors, should the unthinkable happen. If I lose the Championship… I’ll make a fortune promoting other car brands… they are focussing on all my ‘breakdowns’, d’you want to see the rushes for my YouTube vid… Buy a Beemer they won’t Catch Fire”. TW: “Your contract with this team won’t let you”. LH: “Do you refer to the contract neither of us has signed yet?” TW: “My arm hurts“ BvB-Z: “Ah-Hem – Pleeze Jentlemen. Zank You. Herr ‘Ammer-Down zee ‘unthinkable’… vot is that?” FO: “Yeah what is it?” LH: Smile and I’ve done… “You Work Hard for your Family - Will your Car Supplier Play Fair?” NL: “I told you that this idea of yours for a team number one, which I didn’t know about, was dangerous… this meeting should never have happened… enough thought hasn’t gone into it”. TW: “but, but, but, but, but“ LH: “You sound like our engine Toots. Okay. The American Public, has got used to the idea that a racing driver, that looks like, a younger version of, their President is going to win the Championship again – one with an American fiancé… and a house in California… did you look at the forward-enquiries book, for the brand, in the States yet? It is ballooning on the back of my popularity – watch that balloon pop!” NL: “I said it would pop”. BvB-Z: “I mean…’of course’ the team is European… a European driver would be perfect”. FO: “He’s bluffing… he hasn’t got a house in California”. LH: “Will have soon”. BvB-Z: “Ahh. Mister O’Gerrinow. FO: “I’m European”. BvB-Z: “Mister O’Gerrinow, I seem to remember that you agreed to working in a team with a number one driver, yes.” FO: “I’m European on two fronts”. BvB-Z: “And Herr, err, err… May I call you Louis? Your management people, can they send me the contract you want and your publicity people… can they speak to our people… instead?” FO: “He’s bluffing”. BvB-Z: “Herr Volf, while you are off wiz your injured arm, we will need cover… do you still have a phone number for Mister Rozz Brown?” TW: “It’s not that bad I….” BvB-Z: “You need to see the company’s medical director… I can see you being out for the rest of the season”. TW: “The company doesn’t have a medical director”. BvB-Z: “It will have”. NL: “I agree”. BvB-Z: “Now Louis, old friend, who would you like as your number Two… it could be a female driver if you like, your choice – would you like your Father in the team, as Adviser, instead of….” LH: “Can you persuade the FIA to bring back spare cars, in case of practice ‘incidents?” BvB-Z: “Ve have influence – ve make engines for many of the teams – it could be possible”. LH: “And can we bring back a rule that, in cases when the team leader breaks down, the team is allowed to bring in its number two driver so that the team leader can take over his car?” BvB-Z: “A visionary idea”. LH: “Then my Number Two needs to have the same size seat as me…” BvB-Z: Unt now on to our vacation and zen to Shpa... I am zure ve vvill haff no trooble zere yez no Any similarity to political shenanigans or real people are purely coincidental… well, not that pure.
Posted on: Tue, 26 Aug 2014 11:00:20 +0000
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