FYI: I had a rough night of sleep with the monkeys last night, so I pre-apologize. some rambling thoughts as I wipe my joyful tears. Its incredible that we can experience such love + sorrow in almost the same, simultaneous moment. Yesterday, upon hearing about my friend + photographers husband/father of her two boys death, I immediately fell into sobbing tears. These tears were full of sadness for her, in gratitude for every single day that I share with my own husband and loved ones... full of a knowingness that she probably wanted to also disappear from the planet at that moment, while also wanting to hold her babies close and not move too quickly. we are all SO vulnerable. Im not a person that experiences fear very often. I dont typically contemplate bad things happening in my head. The past few days I have had a sinking feeling in my belly that feels so unnatural. Last night, for example, Kai went to get food for Lucca from the garage. I was cleaning up from dinner in the kitchen while Leo played with toys at my feet. After a few silent moments, I began to panic, seeing Kai (in my head) vanish out of the garage somehow into the alley. I screamed for him in a way I never do, and he came back, saying, MOM! You know dat Im getting Lucca food, like I said! He could tell I was panicing and there was no reason for it, which made me laugh. He knows me so well. I sobbed all morning while I sat at starbucks with the kids, Kais special request. They gobbled up their oatmeal + muffins, talking, chatting, fighting, being beautiful. Their messy bed hair heads with the sun shining in from the window, making it almost hard to see them. Its all so temporary. Its all so perfectly imperfect. A mom walked up at that moment (I was literally crying my eyes out and kissing kai and petting leo as Kai smiled saying, why are you crying happy tears?) and she showed me her son at 13 on her phone. a photo of the same type of perfect curls, while he was in a little ball taking a nap. He looked like a slightly older version of Kaibear. She totally felt it + understood. Kai said, mommy, we shouldnt talk to strangers. and I replied, shes not a stranger, shes a friend we havent met yet. we are all connected. if you are with me, you can talk to strangers. We then proceeded to talk to a homeless man in a wheelchair who had a cat in his lap for a solid 10 minutes while I continued to cry. then on the way to school Kai was explaining a concept he learned at school to Leo. Leo, you just have to bounce back. Bounce back like a ball. Like, if you feel sad because someone else gets to be shabbat abba, or you feel like its your turn for a toy but someone else took it, just bounce back and be happy. just bounce back like a ball. ok? I walked into school in my pajamas + tear streaked cheeks and nobody questioned it. They just smiled and kissed the boys and said how happy they were to see them. How many times can your heart burst in a day? How does God or whatever spirit you believe in know how to make us mommys and daddys so strong? I feel like I can do anything some days. I feel like every day I get stronger + go through even more pain, to just come out on the other side with more gratitude. How does that happen? #thankyou #5mostbeautifulthings #momlife
Posted on: Tue, 14 Oct 2014 16:04:21 +0000
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