Facebook Confessions - A Facetious Satire Im a tall, blue-eyed blond guy, slightly graying. I look as English as my distant cousin Lauri Love, the alleged U.S. Army website hacker. I hope nobody believes in guilt by association. Its true I told him about a few weak points on the Army website, but its common knowledge. I have forgiven that general who fired me from the Army assignment through Booz Hamilton. I would have fixed their glitches if theyd let me. But I know I never belonged in an Army hierarchy, even as a contractor. I liked the Air Force better, and they tolerated me. Theyre more technically proficient and efficient. Nowadays I hack only under special license from prominent clients...sort of like James Bond, who as everybody knows was granted a license to kill from MI6, in the interest of the Crown. If you use your God-given talents in the service of a government or a major bank, its considered socially acceptable, isnt it? Im also a first cousin three times removed of Alan Turing, father of computer science. Im a first cousin four times removed of Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin and author Rudyard Kipling. My African-American friends say its mighty white of me to brag about that. They are the only people who notice Ive got Conchy Joe curly blond hair. Ive got some non-white ancestry on both sides. White people assume Im 100% white like them. My paternal grandmothers Creole grandmother was a so-called quadroon from New Orleans. My maternal grandmothers grandmother in British India was actually the child of the familys half-caste (half-Indian) nanny, Miss McDonald. My paternal grandfather had Portuguese pirate ancestors among the early white settlers of the Bahamas, pre-dating the Loyalist settlers. So Im a descendant of African slaves, Tamil-speaking Indians, and pirates of the Caribbean. But Im also a distant cousin of Prince William. We are fellow descendants of King Charles II and therefore descended from Prophet Mohammed. As descendants of French Merovingians, we are therefore also descended from Mary Magdalene, who knew Jesus, maybe in the Biblical sense. That last statement shocks some people. My family tree suggests that if Jesus had any descendants, I would probably be among them. Having said that, Im proud that Im a baptized and confirmed member of the Episcopal Church. One of my great-grandfathers was a vicar in England. He was also a Freemason. One of my pirate ancestors was also a Freemason. Under charter from the Crown, he would seize Papist shipping, but he was known to spare the lives and property of fellow Freemasons. I know it sounds wrong by todays standards, but so-called privateers were the foundation of the British Empire. Even today, Im not sure who are the good guys and who are the bad guys. It must be published in the program, I guess. lol But I lost my program. I had better ask Cousin Wills at Kensington Palace. He will know whats what, wont he? If not, he can find out from his granny, cant he? That is certainly a cute new baby they have. I hope it is not the Antichrist. Just kidding.
Posted on: Wed, 30 Oct 2013 01:51:04 +0000
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