Fantasy: I woke up at 5:00 this morning, already put in 4 hours of work, I think Ill take a 15-minute nap. 15 minutes later: Wow! What a refreshing nap! Now I have all the energy! Reality: 15 minutes later: Why am I still talking to my cat about the dangers of lead poisoning? I really need to get to sleep. 30 minutes later: Maybe I should just set an alarm for 20 minutes from now. That way Ill go to sleep under duress of time, and wake up perfectly! 50 minutes later: Fast asleep, alarm goes off. Reach out under the basket-weave blanket, which now Im pretty sure was forged with blistering hot coals in the depths of hell, sweat literally dripping from my fingers onto my phone as I swipe the alarm off. Back to sleep, slowly succumbing to heat exhaustion. 70 minutes later: UPS rings the doorbell. I now have sleep paralysis, still half-asleep, sweating, dreaming Im sleeping in jail on a concrete cell floor with ice cream trucks driving by. Klinger from M*A*S*H is licking my face and telling me to get up. 90 minutes later: Klinger is still licking my face. Open my eye a slit, realize its the cat. Cant talk out loud when Im dreaming, try to tell the cat to stop, it comes out like Ooorrhffffoooo. Still sweating, fall back to sleep. 100 minutes later: Phone rings. Cant remember my name. Everything feels heavy. Oh, god. I think I had a stroke. Hair is soaked. Arms wont move. Its okay. I just have a cat on each arm. I remember now! Im Leslie. And I should get up. 110 minutes later: Fall off the couch, crawl halfway across the floor, stand up slowly, hair matted to my neck like steaming spaghetti, make more coffee. Consider taking a quick 15-minute nap. Just to see if it can be done. Because I dont think it can. Three things that dont exist: Santa, boys who are actually thinking about something when you ask them, Whatcha thinkin about?, and refreshing 15-minute naps.
Posted on: Tue, 19 Nov 2013 20:41:01 +0000
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