Fighting depression Im close to slipping into another depression again, but I am fighting it every day. I cant let myself get depressed again. I cant lose myself to the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness, because I know Im not helpless and I know its not hopeless. I owe it to myself - and the people close to me that are doing everything they can to help me - to fight this familiar grey fog of passivity and sadness. But I cant escape the feeling of drifting further and further away from my art. I dont even like to think about it anymore. I hate looking at my own artworks. They feel old and I cant see myself in them at all. Who was the girl who made those works? What kind of art would I do today - and what inspires me now? So much has happened to me in my life, on the way from all those paintings to now. Im not the same person, but more me than ever, yet less connected to my art. How is that possible? The more I reconnect with myself the more I should reconnect with my art - isnt that logical? But I guess life isnt that predictable and logical after all. Soon, Ive been blocked in my art for 6 years. Quite unbelievable. Some days I am thinking about how I never want to make another painting or artwork ever again in my life! But I guess thats like running away from myself, from who I am, from what I know I can be. Other days I miss the smell of the paint, to get messy, dirty and to work with my body again. The digital art is a wonderful process, very creative and exciting, but it feels very sterile and passive at times. Right now, the only creative dream I have is to write. Maybe Ive been suffocating that side of myself while I have been so focused on my visual art, or perhaps its an escape from the blockages and the pain that comes with it. Only time will tell. Perhaps I can combine my writing with my art somehow. I guess I am free to do whatever I want. But first, I need to find peace of mind. Thats my biggest priority. I dont think Ive ever had peace of mind in my whole life. I need to move into my own place, start my new life and then slowly, reconnect with my creativity - writing, art, whatever that wants to come out. I just have to keep my inner fire burning, I cant lose it to the cold environment of another depression. I have to be at my strongest now. I can do this.
Posted on: Wed, 19 Nov 2014 19:13:32 +0000