For my married friends. Here are the “Top Five” star’s top six most hilarious quips on love, relationships, marriage and all the trials and tribulations that come with them: Warning: Explicit language 1 On being married vs. the single life From his 2004 standup special “Never Scared”: ‘You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.’ youtube/watch?v=s6X0Qqxx3f0 2 On infidelity From his 1999 special “Bigger and Blacker”: ‘A man is basically as faithful as his options.’ youtube/watch?v=8ShI4DKBdyw 3 On finding the one From “Never Scared”: ‘Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain’t gonna be at the perfect time. You’re married, they’re single. That’s right. You’re Jewish, they’re Palestinian. You’re a Mexican, they’re a raccoon. You’re a black woman, he’s a black man.’ youtube/watch?v=-jaqBRsTQgI 4 On how to know if youre really in love From “Never Scared”: ‘If you haven’t contemplated murder, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t seriously thought about killin’ a motherf—-r, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for 45 minutes straight, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll they ass up in, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t practiced your alibi in a mirror, you ain’t ever been in love. And the only thing stoppin’ you from killin’ this motherf—-r is an episode of ‘CSI.’’ youtube/watch?v=M902ZJHzaLE 5 On hanging out with other married couples From “Never Scared”: ‘Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just spicin’ up the activities. ‘Come on, tell us some of your cracky tales, please!’’ youtube/watch?v=-jaqBRsTQgI 6 On one particularly troubled marriage From his 1996 special “Bring the Pain”: ‘So you gotta think about OJ’s situation: $25,000 a month, another man drivin’ his car, f—in’ his wife, in a house he’s still payin’ a mortgage on. Now, I’m not sayin’ he should have killed her … but I understand.’ youtube/watch?v=J8TqhBIEbWA
Posted on: Mon, 29 Dec 2014 20:44:52 +0000
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