For those of you who knew, and for those of you who didnt, I have been going through a very hard time over a woman as of late. She was everything in the world to me, all I knew was love for her. She betrayed me, not because she didnt love me back or because she didnt want a relationship, but because her lack of implicit honesty in combination with my propensity for chronic depression put me in one of the darkest ways I have ever been. Even after her harsh and in her words tough treatment, I still wanted her as a friend and still sought comfort in her conversation. Instead of being a friend to me after the fact, and being there (like I had been for her through some of her troubles), when I was attempting suicide she thought I was threatening suicide because she would not go out with me or see me. This wasnt the case. I ATTEMPTED suicide (and failed, probably because the cosmos deems me an absolute failure because I cant seem to do anything right) because I felt in my heart, deep in my spirit, that there was no hope for anything in my life any more, that true love was an illusion and that there was no hope of ever being with whom I thought was my soul mate. I wanted to die because I felt that this wolf of darkness had its hold of me for the last time. I cried for help to her, as a friend, I relapsed back into cocaine and binge drinking and called on her for help (as a friend) hoping she would have the compassion and temerity to try to at least get me to someone who could help. Instead what I got was a court order to not buy a gun??? I couldnt afford one if I wanted one. Not to mention I cannot afford to pay for this mess. She could have ordered counseling. I am having a hard enough time as it is. And also, when I created a profile page for SoR she took it as me creating another page so I could stalk her. That page wasnt for her. It was for the group as a whole, for the better of the band because our façade of a relationship was taking its toll on the band, on my life, and every other facet of my existence. She could have ordered counseling. I could never do harm to her or her family, or her property - I have a hard enough time hurting a fly. Who would have thought someone would be offended by being sent flowers? Who would have thought someone would be frightened by someone pleading for help? And my eyes are grey, not blue. And my hair is dark brown not black. And I was never angry, not until the bitter bitter end. I was only saddened by her harsh treatment and lack of precise words. Honesty goes a long way with me. Truth goes a long way with me. None of this would have happened if she had only told me the truth in every detail. Shows how much she cared to get to know me, how much she cared about my mental well being, how much she cared for me at all. How much she cared at all. She said she cared, she said she worried, but apparently that time has passed. This only proves to me that there is no hope for the human race, no hope for true love of any kind. The world is a shallow, hollow place and people like me are one in a million. Through all of this, all I know is I still love her, no matter what she does to hurt me, or not care enough to know my eye color or my birthday. Its December 1st by the way, carefully sandwiched in between the two toughest holidays for me. All I needed through all of this was the friend she wanted to be, and the friend I have now lost. To all of you out there, I am still here. Please copy and re-paste this, if you know any one in the same shape, who is lonely, depressed, suicidal, or lost, maybe they will read this and know that there is nothing wrong with them, sometimes people are just too ignorant and selfish to read what the hurt ones are really telling them. I am a hurt one, and I am telling you that you can persevere, that you can be strong, but it is a hard road. If I dont make it through the next year, remember me. I may not snap out of this one. I will try to though. I am still here right now. Please share this, maybe it will give strength to others who feel the same way. You are not alone, even though you may feel that way.
Posted on: Sat, 09 Nov 2013 09:35:53 +0000
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