Four years ago around this exact time, Jarvis and I were asleep in the family lounge about 50 yards away from our little fighter in the ICU. Dr. Kubal came in to get consent on what seemed like the 3 millionth thing that had been done to Karc over the course of the previous 5 days. Day 6 of sepsis had begun, and here sat a man we were, so many times before, annoyed with from his apparent lack of a good bedside manner. He hadnt shaved in days, his voice was weak, and he was exhausted. Im not sure he had been home a single time over the course of those 6 days, and I knew he had at least one small child at home - - a child whose life he was missing while attempting to save mine. For the first time that I could remember, he sat on the edge of whatever it was we were trying to get a couple hours sleep on...and was kind. He was never a mean person, it was just always apparent that he wanted to come in, do his job, & not deal with the emotional side of it. Thats what Dr. Vianna was for. But this time, he was different. Maybe it was lack of sleep. But looking back on it now, I have to assume that he knew what was coming that day. I still remember him putting his hand on my blanketed foot as he was leaving the room and telling us they werent giving up. He knew. But we didnt. Im not sure what it was, but those last 6 days of her demise were spent with her mommy & daddy being very naive. Ive never been one to live in a world like that. Ive always been very realistic & Ive always expected the worst so that, if it actually happened, I would be prepared mentally. Not this time. Jarvis and I got up, went down to her room, relieved my mom who had sat with Karcynn long enough for us to get a couple hours of sleep, and we waited. Her IR doctor, Dr. Marshallek, came in & attempted to get another line in, and was not successful yet again. He had warned us a few months prior that Karcynn was running out of places to place a line, but again, we didnt understand the significance of what he had been saying...until now. Until she needed that line. Until her life literally became dependent on that line. And he just couldnt get it. After that attempt, Jarvis and I took a short walk around the corner to a private family room that we were using each time the doctor had wanted to sit us down and talk to us. I asked him what he thought we should do. For the first time in her almost 2 years of life, my realistic way of thinking had finally set in, and I just knew there was no way for her to come back to us. We were discussing options with each other, but we were still hopeful. Somehow. In some way. We just couldnt give up on our beautiful girl who had fought to stay with us every single day for almost 2 years. She hadnt given up. And neither would we. That was when a girl from Rileys Child Life knocked on the door and told us we needed to get over to the room quickly. I still remember going in to her room scared, looking at her monitor, and seeing her blood pressure was 42 over something. 42. I didnt know much back then. But I knew she was in trouble. They were frantic all over her room, and her 2 terrified parents watched as they were pushing everything they could into her to get that BP back up. I dont remember who told us, what they said, or anything else that happened after those first few moments of coming back into her room. All I remember is them implying there was nothing else they could do for her, followed by them telling us we had to make the call and take her off the vent. They brought a chair over next to her bed and made me sit in it. They told me they were going to put her in my arms so that, when we finally made the decision, she would be in my arms as she left this world. A lot of it was a blur. I dont remember how long I made the respiratory therapist stay down on her knees and continue to bag Karc. I dont remember every single person who was in there. I do remember being in a panic and continually saying I couldnt make that decision. I looked at Jarvis at one point and his face had it written all over it: let this baby finally be in peace. So I said okay. Actually, thinking about it now, I probably screamed it at the nurses and at respiratory. But, the respiratory therapist unhooked the bag, a nurse named Mary turned the volume or something else off on the monitor, and everyone stood there waiting for the inevitable. Its the single most vivid, yet utterly jumbled memory I have. When I think back on it, I can literally see myself holding Karcynn with Jarvis to my left, a multitude of family, friends, nurses, and doctors in front of, behind, and to the right of me. On July 14, 2010, Karcynn took her last breaths in this world - - a world that she made more beautiful simply by being in it. You go through life passing certain days throughout the year, never realizing that one day, a specific date could change your life forever. I passed up the date of July 14th 27 times throughout my life, never realizing that it would one day become the hardest, most defining and challenging day of my life. Four years later, it still feels like it happened yesterday and a decade ago, all at the same time. Its a day that makes me undeniably sad all 365 days of the year...but angry on only half of them now. This girl brought happiness to all people who knew her - - and some to those who didnt. She was special that way. Four years later, its those thoughts that get me through each day. I know shes free of pain. I know shes happy. But I wouldnt be human if I didnt wish for July 14th to be just another day on the calendar. A day that I should be frantically trying to plan her birthday party. And a day that isnt filled with sadness, regret, and tears. Rest in peace my sweet, sweet girl. I gave you life. You gave me reason to live.
Posted on: Mon, 14 Jul 2014 11:19:36 +0000
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