Good Morning. I want to talk about reassessing and change. When to do it? How do we know when it’s time? Why is it so hard to do? Well, it’s hard for me for a number of reasons. My Agoraphobia OCD, and Codependence, has a terrible time with anything being out of “place” including misplacing people. It hates any change, even what time of day I do things; and if I don’t stay in sync, I fall out of the “habits” all together. You know “throw the baby out with the bath tub”. And yes I misplace people. How? If I stop any contact, I stop all contact. My disorders do not respond well to CBT, which teaches that “All or Nothing” thinking is a cognitive blunder. My “ways” couldn’t care less if they are blunders of or not. I’m afraid of taking a misstep, or making a mistake, even if it is broken, at least there is comfort in knowing it is there, regardless if “it” is a person, place or thing. I reason that if “it” is in my life, it must belong there; and it is up to me to figure out why it is there, or whom I am supposed to support, or to what lesson I am supposed to learn. Well, all of this is faulty reasoning, and I know it. I just need to convince my disorders that I can get along without certain people and things, and that I am still lovable if I change the direction of my life. Now, when do I make the change? Well, usually long when the time is long passed due. After I have repeatedly agonized over it and suffered with it till I can’t stand it or them any longer. There is some Catholic guilt behind all of that, no offence. How, do I do it? Usually fast and painfully! Is any of that the good or normal? Nope, but I am working on it. I need to make a few changes in my life right now because of thing/people/activities I have already included, and I am running out of time. Not enough time in a day. It almost feels good and healthy to feel that feeling, instead of boredom. I have filled my recovered life with recovered activity and people, so now hear comes the real hard work; deciding on what and/or whom to let go. The weeding out of people usually works itself out. I have found that relationships like plants, they need tending to or the die off, sort of a forced natural death. (That may be an oxymoron). But honesty, does anyone actually say to someone “you have become excess in my life now, like a tumor, you must therefore be excised“? Also, what that needs to go? Are the new things better than the old? How much will I miss the people involves? I could go on forever at that. I am sure some of my indecision stems from symptoms, but some of it is exercising normal caution. Well after all of that. I have decided to reduce the time I spend at school. I am thinking of going three times a week and only half days. But the people are awesome and I enjoy classes, and teaching. This is my confusion: Everything I have done for the last year has made today’s projects and new interests and people possible; they, in a way, have supported and made possible the new things. So, won’t I need them to sustain the new? Does it then stand to reason the old must stay? The answers of course are, no. I must make room for the new, and take a leap of faith. Life is made anew only at the edges of a pond. The center stagnates Well, there you go, part of my thinking processes. If it sounds like I have trouble making decisions, you are right! If you can relate, I feel for you, I honestly do. But then again, if you can relate, you are not alone. I do however, encourage you to “clean house” when necessary, and to be brave. Be Well
Posted on: Wed, 17 Jul 2013 09:36:47 +0000
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