Good evening! Another crazy chapter in the LIMO CHRONICLES. I must say, at first I was really hesitant to write this. After you read it you will fully understand why… Lol. Titled: BLACKHAWK DOWN…. Last year, I was called by another limo service to pick up a group and take them to a Blackhawks game. The customer was to pay me directly as the initial company had already collected the deposit. Now it was supposed to be 10 people, but when I pulled up to the residence, it was 14 people…plus two coolers full of beer, plus two 12 packs of additional beer and everyone already had a open beer in their hands when I arrived…. You already can guess how this was going to turn out… So, its 12 guys and 2 women, a mom and daughter. So we start to load up and immediately the guys carrying the cooler of beer want to load it inside before everyone else. I politely ask them to wait in order to load the people first so that no one attempts to climb up and over the cooler. I then load the cooler so that it does not scrape against the leather trim near the bar only to have the guy grabs the opposite handle and pull so that it puts a nice GASH in the leather bar trim!!!! Didn’t I just tell yo silly behind to wait!!!!!! As they load up and hoop and holler (I have the music on and UFC knockouts playing) the contact person is the last to load. I inform him he is to pay me now and he states “oh, so and so said I could pay by credit card.” I pause and say, um sir, that is not correct, and show him the complete order sent to me by the other company and in BOLD it states to COLLECT CASH. Its’ also a relatively cheap price (originally based on the smaller number of people in the original order). He states “ok, no problem but so and so is a friend of mine and he already has my credit card on file and how about I just tip you in cash later?” Now normally this is not a problem if the order had been structured that way up front. But I call so and so personally because there are already two discrepancies…. One, there are 4 more people, and if this customer is paying so and so, I now have to meet up with so and so to get paid so basically I am doing this for free at the moment… NOT GOOD. So and so says, “um, ok, uhhhh, let me check my records and I will call you right back.” You guessed it, he didn’t call me back only texted me that it’s already prepaid and they will pay a cash tip. Since they are already loaded and ready to go, and I informed so and so that this is not the way to do business (via voicemail since he didn’t answer phone), away we go. All the while I am starting a slow boil inside… Pick up time was 430pm from Naperville to the United Center… YEP, RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC!!! Took us nearly 2hrs to get there, and YES, they are all trashed, limo trashed (cans, bottles, spilled beer etc) everywhere… I drop them off, let them know the procedure for after the game etc. I pull off and find the nearest trash can etc to clean up this mess. Took me nearly 30 mins to clean it all, when I opened the back hatch, bottles tumbled out and broke at my feet in the street. The dummies sitting in the back just dumped their empty bottles behind the seat!!!! Sooooo, after any event at the United Center, there are up to 40 or more limos, buses, etc everywhere so it takes a while for your clients to find you, let alone actually leave. Once my group made it to the limo (most staggering and half incoherent) they pile (I mean literally pile, fall, stumble etc) into the limo. The first thing the majority do is GRAB ANOTHER #%$%@ BEER!!! As we are waiting in traffic to leave the area, one of the fine gentleman sitting behind me starts up a drunk conversation with me about how nice the limo is etc, etc. He asks me where I live and I state that I too live in Naperville. He then says….. “Wow, you know I would never guess a guy like you would live in Naperville…..” Because we are still sitting stuck in traffic, I turn in my seat and say “excuse me, but just what do you mean by that?” I kid you not, the ENTIRE LIMO FULL OF LOUD DRUNKS GOT SILENT… He starts stammering “uh, um, well you know, um, I didn’t mean it like that.” But it was VERY LOUD AND CLEAR exactly how he meant it, and I said to him, sir I think you shouldn’t have anymore to drink as his buddy elbows him hard in the ribs. He tries to apologize, (but a drunk trying to apologize and explain himself when his “inside voice” has now become his “outside statement” is like trying to put the Genie back in the bottle…you can’t put it back in) For the next 5 mins or so its mostly quiet except the music as everybody is in an uncomfortable silence, drunk dummy is still trying to explain himself, but nobody is listening and my boil has now started to gain a little steam. But it gets better…. The daughter, who is probably like 24yrs old keeps stating that she has to pee. Everybody is asking her, why the #$% didn’t you go pee inside the United Center before we left like everybody else? She is totally drunk and says she thought she could hold it. We are just about the get onto the highway when she pleads for me to pull over so she can pee. Now, there must be 1000 or more cars everywhere and virtually nowhere to just stop safely but I find a spot just before the highway entrance. Cars are zooming by, and I am disgusted. The girl and her mom get out to pee and because she is drunk, she leans BUTT FIRST on the side of the rear door and step for balance. I can just see the top of her head as her mom tries to shield her from the cars passing and in my head I’m like “oh no she $#%## didn’t just lean her #$%@ on the step and pee!!!!! Now mind you, I’m on the shoulder just before the highway entrance so every car that passes either honks or passes so close I can see the looks on the peoples faces as they point, laugh or have mouths open in shock just like I am. Now I just want to get all of these “clients” home ASAP! They continue to drink and everybody is WASTED!!! When we get back to Naperville and I open the back door, more bottles, cans etc tumble out as well as the rest of the group. I have to keep one hand on the door and help most of them get out because they are using the door to lean on while getting out and nearly bending it the wrong way against the door frame. One drunk attempts to drag the cooler out and in doing so, dumps half of it out in the street and driveway of the owner of the house. Since everybody drove there, I’m silently praying these fools don’t try to drive home and endanger others! Meanwhile the contact person is apologizing and thanking me for a great night. He reaches in his pocket and hands me a wad of crumpled and slightly wet bills of money. (he had spilled beer all on himself). At this point, I am so…hmmm (insert your own word here) but I thank him, and leave so that I can stop and clean this mess I KNOW WILL MAKE ME BOIL OVER. And you know what, I was not disappointed… I stop at a gas station with a vacuum and large trash barrel outside and commence cleaning. I put on my rubber gloves and take off my jacket and for the next 25 mins or so, clean every can, bottle cap, napkin, crushed Solo party cup and all kinds of dirty nasty goodies out of this limo. And then the “COUP DE NASTY @##$$#!@. Since I had just remembered Miss “Pee by the way side” I looked closely at the side of the door and step where I assumed she must’ve been leaning. Upon close inspection, you could CLEARLY SEE A BUTT PRINT on the side of the door, and just below it on the step, a nice clearly defined dark stain….. Otherwise defined as a ‘SHART” (you know, when you attempt to fart and a little @#$% comes out) And this NASTY BEHIND must’ve pulled up her pants and SAT IN IT THE ENTIRE RIDE HOME!!!!! NO WONDER she and her mom were the FIRST ONE’S to hop out and leave when we got back. WHY YOU #%^&$^#%#@&$^#$%@**(%*#^@#**@&%%^*#%#&%^^*&& UUUUGGHHHH!!!!! &$^#^&@$^@^%$#*$*#^%@&^*$&**#^@#*@. I went directly into the gas station and bought a bottle of pine sol and other cleaners and spent another 30 mins going over the seats etc, sick to my stomach and mad as you know what. I then remembered the wad of bills the guy gave me and took it out and unballed it. It was $9 in one dollar bills… I wanted to beat them like hockey players fight out on the ice. Footnote: I no longer have that limo. Ha ha
Posted on: Mon, 02 Sep 2013 14:23:01 +0000
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