Good mornin my minions..heres yer daily jokes to start yer week off with a smile...ENJOY! .......................................................... A doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and worse news. Oh dear, whats the bad news? asks the patient. The doctor replies, You only have 24 hours to live. Thats terrible, said the patient. How can the news possibly be worse? The doctor replies, Ive been trying to contact you since yesterday. ......................................... A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says hell ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce. As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standingright behind him, so he added, And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half. The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son? Canada, sir, the boy replied. Well, why did you leave Canada? the manager asked. The boy said, Sir, theres nothing but whores and hockey players up there. Really? said the manager. My wife is from Canada. No shit? replied the boy. Whod she play for? ........................................ A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk. The head monk said, You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years. The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, What are your two words? Food cold! the man replied. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said What are your two words? Robe dirty! the man exclaimed. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, What are your two words? I quit! said the man. Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here! .......................................... A man walking down the streets sees another man with a very big dog. One man says to the other, Does your dog bite? The man replies, No my dog doesnt. The man pats the dog and has his hand bitten off, I thought you said your dog didnt bite said the injured man. Thats not my dog, replied the other. ......................................... A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. Theres plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so hes doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely. The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I dont know how I can ever repay you. Ill do anything for you, anything, just name it. The guy thinks for a minute and says, Would you mind taking my dog for a walk? ........................................ Two guys die in a car accident and an angel descends from heaven. I am to give you your wings so you can fly to heaven. But if you think one dirty thought or act out one dirty act your wings will fall off. So they fly to heaven without any trouble but when they get there the first guy sees a naked woman walk by so his wings falll off. When he bends over to pick them up the second guys wings fall off. ....................................... Susan was having a tough day and after returning home she started complaining. She said to her husband, Nobody loves me….nobody cares for me..the whole world hates me! Her husband, watching TV said casually: That’s not true dear. You are not that famous that whole world hates you. Some people don’t even know you. ......................................... A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. Well, he said, Ive been seeing this girl for a while and shes really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonights the night. Were having dinner with her parents, and then were going out. And Ive got a feeling Im gonna get lucky after that. Once shes had me, shell want me all the time, so youd better give me the 12 pack. The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, You never told me that you were such a religious person. The boy leans over to her and whispers, You never told me that your father is a pharmacist. ........................................... Chinese and American are in a plane. Suddenly, Chinese puts his shoes off and American is angry. After some time, he goes to buy a coke, but Chinese says that hell do it. While hes gone, American spits into his shoes. Chinese gets back and American drinks his coke. That repeats a couple of times,and after the flight American admits, I spitted in your shoes, sorry. Chinese answers, Thats how we do it. We spit in each others shoes, we piss into each others cokes... ............................................
Posted on: Mon, 08 Sep 2014 13:48:29 +0000
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