Good morning my dear friends and loved ones. I want to start this off by saying thank you to all of you for your kind, loving and supportive words and messages. It means a great deal to both Dean and I , and will never be forgotten. Please forgive me if my thoughts shared here, are a bit more all over the place than usual. So many things have transpired over the past few weeks --- so many things to try to process and deal with. Struggling to understand how a medical system, can be so fatally flawed; holding back VITAL information or neglecting to include VITAL information so that a patient can make a sound, informed decision, to me is not only immoral and wrong, but should be criminal and liable. Especially when holding back such information can have devastating and life threatening consequences. The effects and consequences of the excessive blood clots that have developed as a result of the port and chemo has impacted my life on levels I did not expect or want. Daily injections of blood thinners to try to control any further developments of clots brings with it, its own high risks and life changes at our end (especially mine). I am angry right now (though I am being told I have to try to control my anger and stay calm); I am stressed beyond what I have had to deal with in the past; I am not feeling all too positive and too optimistic right now and this is most certainly a dark period for me. Part of me just wants to curl up in a corner somewhere and just shut down. These are all very real and very powerful emotions and things I am dealing with. Emotions and feelings I do not like but have to acknowledge they are real. I had an awesome and very real visit with my dear friend Kristi Shmyr yesterday. She said it was ok to be feeling what I am feeling and actually very natural and a part of this whole shit mess and that I should allow myself to feel it. “It doesn’t make you less or change the Chan-Do that you are and that we have all come to know” And that is part of what I am struggling to deal with --- I look at how these past weeks have totally changed life for me again and I have absolutely no control over certain aspects of this change. Yes, yes I know that I have control over how I choose to deal with this changes. But in this present moment, I hardly recognize the person I have become. Dealing with cancer is one thing and for the most part, I have become comfortable with it. I have not given up on that battle and now that chemo is out of the picture for me, I look to other, more natural and gentle ways of controlling and hopefully defeating it. Throwing into this equation now, the severe risks and effect of the excessive blood clots that are in my body and adding to that, the severe risks and effects the blood thinners are putting me in, just seems so daunting and over whelming and I am not sure that I can survive or beat all of this together. Does it mean I have given up --- no. It just means I am not too hopeful and right now I am feeling a tad lost and tired of so much shit coming at me from all directions. Not going to try to sugar coat it or make it rosy or pretty or inspirational --- because right now, I am not feeling any of those things. I do hope and I do pray to the God of LOVE/Buddha/The Universe, that I will rise from all of this a better, stronger, more understanding and a more grateful person. I know this is not what most of my friends and loved ones would expect reading or coming from me. Honestly, I would not have thought this would be something I am feeling or saying. Not in a million zillion years. But right at this moment, it is a part of this journey. I would ask all of you to just respect the honesty and the emotions contained herein and feel most of you will. Please let this stand without comments or additions to it.
Posted on: Fri, 23 May 2014 15:20:51 +0000
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