Got tons on my mind. Dont know what to do with my thoughts. Its sad when you should be able to trust someone, but it seems that if their mouth is open and words are coming out, its a lie. I think I was just born in the wrong generation. My values and beliefs are not at all like others my age. Maybe Im just too loyal, and do too much for people. I wish I had an on/off switch. I would keep mine off around most people. I hate that I fight with myself about covering for someone, or taking up their slack on a regular basis, or the fact that I know whats coming and I continue to be loyal! I mean I was tested and scored well above average with an IQ of 147, so why am I so damn stupid about some things? Its plain freaking dumb to pretend like I dont know the truth when in reality I do. Why am I trying to lie to myself? Am I so used to being lied to that I am subconsciously self destructing?!? Well I guess not if Im here writing about it. I keep pleading with God to change my heart. If it all turns to pain, which in turn will become mass amounts of anger, then please just take it out of my heart so that when it happens I simply dont care. I know Im too abrasive for most people to even begin to know how to handle. Im not good at sugar coating and Im damn sure not going to pussy foot around what Im trying to say to anyone. But I have been referred to as some pretty harsh names. Now I would like to believe its just anger talking and that they couldnt possibly see me that way, but if its all in fact a reality, then what can I say except that life has made me that way. We all have our own roads that we are traveling down and I dont know what its like to be in anyone elses shoes, but dammit dont anyone know what its like to have walked the road I have been down and am still creeping down. I say Im a realist, most see me as a pessimist, but Ive realized that here on earth their is no such thing as being happy. You may have a happy moment a day or 20 happy moments, but no one is freaking happy all the time. Yet Im expected to walk around with a big fake grin on my face everyday?, good luck with getting that from me. I am me, simple as that. When I love you I will do anything for you. Too the extent that it hurts me. But love is an action, not just a damn word. When you love someone then self sacrifice comes quite easily actually, at least for me. But you can only cross someone so many times before all that love becomes something dark. And I dont want that to happen and being straight up with me could prevent it...but its just not something that most people know how to do
Posted on: Sat, 08 Mar 2014 07:00:14 +0000
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