Governments around the world have today finally announced plans to deal with the topknot epidemic afflicting our young men by announcing a cull of all men caught wearing the tedious hairstyle. The announcement of the cull, which will be implemented throughout Europe, the US and Australia – the most severely affected areas – was greeted with stoic acceptance by people who feel that “there’s nothing more [they] can do” for those men who have been wearing the hairstyle despite its cringeworthy stupidity, and there is the firm belief that while harsh, these measures are “the most humane”. Police around the globe have been inundated with reports of marauding gangs of topknot headed urbanites badgering ordinary folk with “their rolled up cigarettes and clitoris-shaped hair-widgets – gentrifying areas with their craft beers, coffee shops and ironic veneration of ironic veneration”. “We’re advising everybody that if they spot a man wearing a topknot to run away immediately and hide before he pulls over his fixie to invite you to the opening of a new multi-functional gallery space in his up-and-coming area,” warned a police spokeswoman. “Nine times out of ten this will be a tattoo parlour cum coffee shop or a yoga studio that doubles as a hardware.” “Before you know it you’re so confused by the casual melding of disparate ideas that you’ll wake up a week later wearing rolled up, ankle exposing jeans and a topknot on the crown of your head that’ll scream to everyone who sees you ‘look how much of a self-regarding poncy dickhead I am.” “That’s how it spreads. Pretty soon, you’d be writing a performance art DJ set called HashTag composed entirely from the tweets of stoned middle class students discussing how important they think they are,” she added. “It’s grim.” The hairstyle, started by TV fashion sewer Gok Wan for a laugh, can be solved simply by cutting the topknot off using a pair of scissors, rusty penknife or your teeth. Members of special police teams armed with rifles loaded with a non-ketamine based tranquilizer (they like that, apparently) and with scissors perched on the end will roam major urban centers like London, Dublin and Melbourne “untying the knots” (euphemistic government speech for shooting someone full of tranquilizer and giving them a hair cut) of any men they encounter. Police services are using this “only as a final measure to stem the spread of this bastard chymera” and are advising affected men to “cut the topknots off their own heads as they are a danger to society and to themselves on account of how they look stupid, they indicate that you’re an effete urban dick-trumpeter worthy of ridicule and that they also make you 500 times more likely to be punched directly into the back of the balls”. A consequence which police say they’re almost certainly “too powerless, or lazy, to prevent”. The cull is set to begin later this week with police waiting for “the last few flights to get back from Ibiza” lest they miss out on the inevitable influx of topknot clad tanned cretins that those flights are sure to contain.
Posted on: Wed, 15 Oct 2014 12:43:02 +0000
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