Grief By: Patrick Robles Having recently lost my Mother, I realized that grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be. You may associate grief with the death of a loved one - which is often the cause of the most intense type of grief - but any loss can cause grief, including: divorce or breakup, death of a pet, loss of health, losing a job, a miscarriage, or even selling the family home. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief. However, even subtle losses can lead to grief. For example, you might experience grief after moving away from home, graduating from college, changing jobs, selling your family home, or retiring from a career you loved. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time…and cannot, should not be rushed! Being a human services/psych student, I’ve been a bit rough on myself in trying to do this “correctly”, so that I can help others in the future. What I’ve realized is that the pain is very personal, and I must allow whatever amount of time it takes to heal. Healing happens gradually and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold. While loss affects people in different ways, many experience the following symptoms when they’re grieving. Just remember that almost anything that you experience in the early stages of grief is normal – including feeling like you’re going crazy or feeling like you’re in a really bad dream. I have experienced nearly every “symptom” on this list, and at times felt that I was losing my mind. Shock and disbelief – Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If someone you love has died, you may keep expecting him or her to show up, even though you know he or she is gone. Sadness – Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable. Guilt – You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (feeling relieved when the person died after a long, difficult illness). After a death, you may even feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the death, even if there was nothing more you could have done. This was a big one for me, as my Mother was eventually treated with “comfort care” after a very long illness. Essentially, all they could do is keep her sedated with Roxynol, and feed her ice chips. I’m sure that in time I will come to terms with this, but still feeling as though we legally overdosed her on this drug. Anger – Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you lost a loved one, you may be angry with yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you. Fear – A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone. Physical symptoms – We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains, and insomnia. I lost approximately seven pounds in a two week period, as my system refused to accept food. The single most important factor in healing from loss is having the support of other people. Even if you aren’t comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when you’re grieving. Sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry. Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone, if at all possible! Connecting to others will help you heal. Again, give yourself all the time that you need, to move forward toward healing. Never beat yourself up for “having a moment”…or two. If you feel that after a reasonable amount of time, you are still experiencing paralyzing (referred to as complicated grief) grief or clinical depression, talk to a mental health professional right away. Left untreated, complicated grief and depression can lead to significant emotional damage, life-threatening health problems, and even suicide. Treatment can and will help you get better.
Posted on: Mon, 22 Jul 2013 17:00:18 +0000
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