Grief Journal (Ive had some trouble posting this, so, Im reposting this from my page) This is how I’m going to mourn, at least for now. I’m keeping a public journal of it. Please keep this in mind as you read it. Who I am Blue “Blue are the do-gooders. Intimacy: connecting, creating quality relationships and having purpose, is what motivates and drives these people. They bring great gifts of quality and service and are generally loyal, sincere, and thoughtful.” See https://colorcode/about/ Personal If you’re going to read these posts, detailing my grieving process for my best friend and lover, Jamie Diane Gibson Hartley, then you might be startled at how publicly personal I am. Please reread the description I posted above about my core personality. It’s blue. It’s the do-gooder. I’m highly intimate. The intimacy is not only the quixotic, romantic intimacy that highlighted some of my love for Jamie (by the way, I’ll speak of my love for Jamie and about Jamie in the past tense as a way of trying to move on in an appropriate way. Just know, my feelings for Jamie, at Jamie, about Jamie, and in Jamie, are very real, vibrant, and I doubt they’ll ever subside. She’s my eternal companion. Eternity is forever. You may need to be aware of this about me so you don’t get too upset by anything I write or do, hopefully). The intimacy I have is being an open book myself and it’s in reaching out to others and opening all of you as books, too. I apologize in advance if I come off wrong and if you don’t like the way I grieve, which is by trying to connect on a deeply personal level with any of you. Open Book/Emotions on my Coat Sleeve I’ve never met a more blue-based personality individual than me. I wear my emotions on my coat sleeve, which is characteristic of so many other blue personalities. Out of the 45-question test on personality, I usually score around thirty blue answers. The other answers are for red personality characteristics and they are more often than not the weaknesses exhibited by red personalities, not necessarily their strengths. So, my strengths are almost all blue. When I have to choose between which personality traits best characterize me, I end up having no white personality characteristics (the peacemakers) and only one or two yellow personality characteristics (the fun lovers, with the traits like enthusiasm for life, optimism, and cheerfulness). Here is a description of the only other significant portion of my personality, which comes out as a weakness more than a strength: “Red are the power wielders. Power: the ability to move from point A to point B and get things done, is what motivates and drives these people. They bring great gifts of vision and leadership and generally are responsible, decisive, proactive and assertive.” Offensive People Person: Because I’m a people person, I reach out to others. I’m an extrovert by nature. I gain a lot of my strength from others. I don’t like being alone. Like Jamie and others, you might find me diving into highly invasive questions and activities. I’m sorry if it scares you. It terrified Jamie. That’s why the first date was such a disaster. Thats why it took me four years to regain her trust. It’s just who I am. Although I’m very adaptable, this core intimacy part of me is not one that changes easily. Not Private: So, as you can see, I’m not private. Trying to see things from others’ perspectives, I can understand that I’ll appear to some of you as if I’m making advances toward you. Don’t worry, I’m not. I have no urge to begin a new relationship with a particular woman, but I know there’s a future ahead of me where I will start an actual family here on earth. In fact, since I was fourteen years old and read my Patriarchal Blessing, I’ve had the distinct impression that I might end up married twice. For those of you who aren’t Mormon, Patriarchal Blessings are first verbal blessings that are then reduced to writing for us. These blessings are given to us by a person in authority to speak for the Lord Jesus Christ about various things, possibly including our individual identity, our life purposes, and personal guidance in our life on things like obeying parents, keeping the commandments, studying scriptures and words of modern-day prophets, serving missions and taking on callings and responsibilities for the Lord, having relationships with others and standing for what’s right and good, building a future with a spouse, having children, and just preparing you for significant things that will come to you in life as you follow the Lord God Jesus Christ as best you can. See https://lds.org/topics/patriarchal-blessings?lang=eng. It’s true what came out in the funeral: “Said Taylor in his personal journal directly after writing about meeting Jamie for the first time, ‘I no longer feel the urge to find my future wife.’ Little did he know he had just met her.” From the time I understood the physical differences between boys and girls and grasped the concept of Mom and Dad being “married,” I had a constant, calm, and sweet yearning to find my future spouse and eternal companion. I found her. Jamie is that woman. I married her for her sake and not as a stepping stone to someone else. If I do ever get remarried and become a parent, Jamie will always be a tender love in my heart. Mourning Stages God as my Companion: On the very night Jamie passed away, I prayed and told Heavenly Father that because I was now missing my eternal companion and sweetheart that I needed Him even more than before. I pleaded with Him to be my new companion so the sting of Jamie’s loss won’t be as intense. So far, it’s helping. I feel like my relationship with my Heavenly Father is reestablished. Before I married Jamie, my intimacy was more with the Lord. After I married Jamie, there was a definite transition. I felt a small loss or detachment from the Lord, but it was worth it as that loss was filled with Jamie, who represented my Savior Jesus Christ on so many levels. She filled me with so many of His virtues, I felt. Fear and C.S. Lewis: As you may know, I ordered and started reading C.S. Lewis’ book, “A Grief Observed.” It details his account of what he experienced at the loss of his dear wife. He married her knowing she had cancer. I can relate. He knew his time with her was limited. I can also relate there. He only had her for three years. I can’t relate as much because I had Jamie for almost three times longer than he had his wife. He makes an interesting observation about his grieving process that I also experienced to a degree. The very first sentence he penned was: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” The first couple nights, I was afraid to be in my bedroom. It seemed odd to me that I felt that way. But, I didn’t want to feel that way. So, I prayed and asked if He’d take that fear out of my heart. The next night, I was no longer afraid of being in the room by myself. I replaced that concern by inviting Him to be with me in prayer. It was and is comforting. Aggression: For this post, I have one last thing I want to add. I’m aware that some studies show that men who take on caretaker roles (like parent to children or, perhaps, care-giving husband to care-needing wife), develop the same kind and roughly the same amount of hormones as mothers have for their children. The hormones help the person be more sweet and kind—more nurturing. I think I’ve had those hormones as I’ve taken care of Jamie for so long. But, I’m no longer caring for her. That must mean I’m no longer going to have those nurturing hormones as much. If I don’t have those nurturing hormones enough, then I’ll probably become more aggressive. Hopefully, not too aggressive. Please warn me if you perceive me becoming meaner, ruder, or nastier. I appreciate correction. I take it well, even if you give it in a not-so-constructive way. CONCLUSION Please be patient with me during this transition. Enjoy the journey with me. I look forward to grief, suffering, and pain because I know that if I take it right, it will purge me of the dross that’s in my system and make me a purer person of great worth, just like it can do for all of you, too.
Posted on: Tue, 22 Jul 2014 13:26:13 +0000
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