HAPPY THANKSGIVING, ALL! Grandmas Invitation Dear Family, Im not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. 2:00 Arrive late and you get whats left over. Last year that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup. Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You dont arrive at someones house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce. Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you dont know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but Ill be gone soon and that will be your problem. House Rules: 1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal. 2. The no cans for kids rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. All of the cups have names on them and Ill be paying close attention to refills. 3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudys house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go out the back door. Save yourself some time, honey. Youve never been a good cook. And you shouldnt bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery. 4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it. 5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. Thats nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesnt change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. Thats why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. 6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space. 7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car. 8. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You dont need to bring anything means you dont need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesnt have to be difficult. 9. Dominos and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. 10. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine. Love You, Grandma.
Posted on: Sun, 23 Nov 2014 23:41:37 +0000
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