HOW TO BECOME A PERFORMING STATE GOVERNOR IN NIGERIA - A “Learner’s” Handbook This is for those of you who are hoping to one day be addressed as ‘Your Excellency’, occupy one of the various State Governor’s Lodges dotted across the country. I am sure a number of you have been wondering (assuming you haven’t already been mentored by a ‘Leader’), ‘how do I make plenty money sef with the semblance of having done some work?’ ‘Na only salary and security vote I go chop?’ Well look no further! Worry no more! Here is a ‘quick and dirty’ guide for how to become a “Performing” (some prefer “Action”) State Governor in Nigeria. ARE YOU A ‘LEARNER’? First of all, it is better to run for Governor in one of the ‘Rich Country States’. Those States who by the sheer size of their revenue generating capacity have GDPS that place them firmly in the top twenty economies in Africa…jostling for space with countries like Ghana, Cameroun, DRC, Botswana, Senegal, Rwanda, Mauritius, Sierra Leone, Namibia, Liberia, Burundi etc. Preferably run in one of the States that gets a huge monthly allocation from the Center. A huge Internally Generated Revenue (IGR) is a bonus. Remember, it is easier to ‘chop and clean mouth’ when the revenue is plenty. Provided you get some actual work done people will be ever ready to jump to your defense with ‘Ah! ah! Make una leave our performing Governor alone oh! Bad belle people! Una no see all the ‘Developmental’ projects wey e don do? You will be even luckier if the State you have chosen doesn’t have a ‘procurement act’. Don’t be in a hurry to put one in place! At least not until you have established yourself for its absence can only but fast-track your road to riches. STAGE 1 – FOREIGN INVESTORS Human beings naturally like to spend / benefit from other people’s money. During your campaign and subsequent inauguration, don’t fail to mention how you will bring Foreign Investors to develop the State. Also emphasis that you are in constant touch with your State Indigenes in the diaspora. They trust you…believe in you, your victory at the polls will engender an avalanche of Foreign Investors from both Oyibo and Nigerians. Spend the first two to three months post your inauguration travelling the world in search of foreign investment; USA, UK, China, Japan, Europe, Abuja, Africa etc. Anywhere Oyibo dey make sure you reach there! Then have Town Hall Meetings with your indigenes living in New York, Atlanta, Houston, London, Sydney, Beijing, Amsterdam…forget that they can barely cope with suburban life, no money to invest…just hold the meetings….you will soon see why it is important. On your return home, call a Press Conference and announce that your Government will go into Public Private Partnerships (PPPs) with the Oyibos you just met plus the indigenes living in Diaspora to bring ‘Developmental’ projects to your State. You can even mention how much they will be investing. The bigger the sum, the better for you. Create your BPPP’s – Bogus Public Private Partnerships. You see, your sojourn abroad should give you the opportunity to meet likeminded Oyibo’s or State Indigenes in Diaspora. Invite them to your state amidst pomp and pageantry. Make sure all the relevant local and international media are there. Sign the PPP agreement and even ‘turn the sod’ / ‘lay foundation stone’ sef. Make sure you also publicly commit to the State Government’s contribution to ‘this laudable project’. Never fail to mention how many jobs the project will create. Now listen carefully (I advise that you begin to take notes at this point), there are two major structures of BPPPs… “BPPP STRUCTURE 1” - Please fail to mention that the State Government’s contribution can complete the project two times over. You see…there is no Public Private Partnership. This is more of a Public-Public-Partnership. Insist that the State must see the Private investor’s counterpart funding before it brings its equity contribution. Arrange for a lodgment to the purported foreign Investors account equal to the expected inflow (a Bank can provide this as a loan to be reversed once the deed is done). Make sure that the Press is aware that the money has ‘hit’ the account. Let the ‘Doubting Thomases’ confirm from the Bank, Development is coming home! Once this inflow is confirmed, authorize the release of the State’s contribution into the Joint Venture / PPP account, upon receipt of which your co-conspirators reverse the bogus credit. Anyhow you play it from here Maga don pay! If the ‘PPP’ is concluded you now own 50% of a mega-million project without dropping a dime. This is plus the profit from constructing the project with the States funds! Also make sure that most of the Sub contracts are awarded to your proxy companies. Most times though…because its ‘guy money’ and your collaborators know what you have done….they will not complete the project…simply use the funds to settle themselves. Get angry very publicly. Swear that you will use State funds to finish the project ‘come rain or shine’! Then do just that. Double whammy!!! This is the true meaning of ‘Workshop’, you ‘chop’ from where you ‘work’! Shey you see? You even chop twice!! “BPPP STRUCTURE 2” - Get an investor, preferably a local financial institution (any decent Oyibo Financial Institution will not touch this with a long pole) to partner with the State. Inflate the value of the project in line with what your ‘cut’ should be, 20%, 30% even 50% sef! Register several front company’s and award bogus contracts to these companies under the PPP…It doesn’t matter if the companies do not have the cognate experience to do the work (after all they are not expected to do the actual work!)…it doesn’t even matter if you claim that the company (ies) have several years’ experience but where registered at the Corporate Affairs Commission (CAC) after the project was awarded….no need to do any work…just carry go! Maga don pay! The beneficiaries of you PPP will bear the brunt of the inflated project cost. FREE EDUCATION / SCHOOL UNIFORMS / SCHOOL TRANSPORT / INFACT FREE (ANYTHING) Our people like things that come for free so declare Free Electricity / School Meals / Education / School Uniforms / School Textbooks…Anything Free. In fact no ‘Performing Governor’ can truly be said to be ‘Performing’ if he doesn’t have one ‘Free’ programme. Once you have determined what is to be given ‘Free’ then establish as many proxy companies as possible through family, friends and cronies. Remember that your State does not have a procurement law so throw the bid open to the public to ensure ‘transparency’. By the public I mean the 10 odd companies you, your wife, cousins, brothers and conspirators have established. That is public enough! Once again it doesn’t matter if you award the contracts to the companies before they are registered at the Corporate Affairs Commission, what people want to hear is that you have offered something for ‘Free’. Make sure that this ‘Free’ programme runs throughout your tenure as Governor…..Maga don Pay and is paying continuously! SPECIALIST CONTRACT SCAM Award a Multibillion Naira (Multimillion Dollar) Specialist infrastructure Contract. Choose something like a Stadium, Hospital, Secretariat, Refinery and award the contract to one of your Diaspora conspirators. Make sure that the project requires special technical skills / knowledge so that you can limit the number of companies that can bid for the project. Proceed on a very public award ceremony and contract signing (Photo-Ops and all). Insist that the Project Contractor provides an Advance Payment Guarantee for the funds to be advanced and explain to the electorate that this is to protect the State’s Funds and ensure that the Contractor completes the project (for protection, in the event of default, the Bank’s Guarantee will be called). What you should not mention is that the contract was flawed ab initio. Make sure that 60 to 80% of the contract value is for the purchase of heavy duty specialist equipment to enable the Contractor deliver the project. Yes…that’s what I said…the contract should specify that the contractor will be given money to buy the ‘Specialist’ equipment he intends to use for the project…and no, the equipment will not belong to the State post construction….they belong to the Contractor. Only 20 – 40% of the contract amount should be for the actual construction. Very publicly fallout with this Contractor because of ‘slow pace of work’ after a well televised ‘surprise inspection’. Foam in the mouth, scream, rant, rave, shout, invite EFCC, ICPC, regular olopa, even Interpol kpa kpa…..get the contractor arrested and announce that the State will ‘leave no stone unturned’ in a bid to recover its money from the fraudster. Tell your people how you intend to ‘deal with him’. …and be ready to be shocked when the EFCC rightly explains to you that the contractor delivered the job in line with the contract you approved! Get very annoyed (publicly of course)….pledge to use the State’s funds to complete the project come rain or shine…wait for the applause…then pump in more money…finish the project at 300 -400% of what it should have cost. Maga don pay twice!! MOBILIZATION FEE This is so old-school but still quite effective. Ensure that all contracts awarded by your Government attract a 5 - 15% ‘Mobilization Fee’, ostensibly to enable the Contractors ‘mobilize to site’ and commence the project. That is how ‘Action’ and ‘Performing’ Governors operate. Just fail to mention that the contracts have already been inflated by between 5 - 15% of their actual value and that the contractors will have to pay this 5 - 15% into designated accounts of your proxies. Make sure you have cronies to act as ‘Smurfs’, operate the several designated accounts where your ‘cut’ is deposited. Their work is to wire the money abroad to invest in Real Estate, Automobiles, even create legitimate businesses to help launder the money, re-integrate it back as clean. The poor contractors will then have to use their own funds or take loans from Banks for the actual mobilization. Gbam! Maga Don pay! And that folks is how to be “Chopping” while being perceived as a “Performing Governor of a State in Nigeria….. Any Questions???
Posted on: Tue, 14 Oct 2014 06:47:19 +0000
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