HOW TO GET REALLY ANGRY I was angry once with my ex-wife so i said, PULL OVER THE CAR! and she pulled over and I got out on an empty road near nowhere, in 90 degree weather. I was wearing a suit, carrying a suitcase, and I started walking the other direction while she drove off. I showed her! I thought. Sweating, in pain. Something was wrong with the sun. The godamn sun! Another time was the reverse. I was with my sister, 20 years ago, on one of those circular exits off the NJ Turnpike at night. I pulled over (very dangerous) and yelled, GET OUT! and she got out and I drove off. Let her find her way home NOW! Other times Ive stopped talking to people and ended up never speaking to them again. Some times Im just silent. A black hole. Claudia might ask, Whats wrong? and Ill say nothing. I literally cant speak. Like I have words but they are trapped inside my mouth. Stupid stuff. Like a three year old. I dont hit people. I tend to withdraw. Somebody through away the key and left me inside. I even know whats happening and I try to break out but sometimes I cant. Im stuck. Here it is: Im trapped inside myself for days or weeks or years or forever. I even grab my head and say out loud, how can I get out? I need a red pill or something during those moments. Im sure theres things Im angry about for 30 years where pieces of me are still trapped. This isnt a therapy thing. Its a reality for me. The first thing I do and maybe the best thing one can do, is to be aware of whats happening. Then I can use the most VALUABLE TRICK nature has created. Water is the most destructive force in nature. Water dripping on rock will eventually make the rock wither away. Awareness is the water of emotions. Hopefully its not too late. Too late for me to enjoy a full life. Here are the reasons I might be angry. I dont know if these reasons are common to other people. Maybe you tell me. A) Fear someone will leave me. If someone is going to leave me. Or stop being my friend. Or stop being my wife or girlfriend or whatever then I get afraid. Im afraid Im ugly or worthless or Ill be lonely and never be happy. So Ill act first. GET OUT! or I disappear inside. B) Fear someone is criticizing me. Since Im always right about everything, they must be wrong. WRONG! Chet, you are WRONG about war. C) Fear I am disappointing someone. There must be a reason. In 1998 I sold my company to another company for a lot of money. I knew the business was changing and that I would end up disappointing them. THEY WERE CROOKS! I told myself a year later, long after I disappointed them. D) Fear of failure. One time I was in an options trade. I was stupid and I didnt prepare. The trade ended with a huge loss. THEY MANIPULATED IT! I was angry. Isnt anyone going to sue? But the trade was over. The money was gone. That idea for a fund had disappeared. Time to start over. Because I had been stupid and was once again broke. E) Fear someone wont like what I have to say. The messenger bearing bad news. I just dont return the calls then. Please call back, the investor said to me when I didnt return his call. But I still havent returned it. I was angry at myself for losing his money. This was a decade ago but I think about it every day. F) Fear someone will reveal me. There was a girlfriend I had wronged. And we broke up. But I was nice to her so she wouldnt talk about me to people we knew. I was angry at her but pretended to be nice. For years I was never myself with her. Now we are friends, maybe even good friends. I dont know. My anger has turned into a blemish. Like sadness kissed me on the cheek. I touch the cheek, remembering love and my mistakes. G) Fear she is right. There is something wrong with the way I do X, Y, and Z. But there cant be! Im trying my hardest! I dont want to be wrong. She must be wrong! From her childhood. From her other relationships. Its projection! Thats it! PROJECTION! EFF HER! H) Fear of going broke. One time a guy took a job away from me. I had helped him get his job so he would hire my company to do their websites. Then he hired someone else. Through my own machinations I got him fired. I couldnt handle the idea of someone putting their hand in my pocket. DONT F WITH ME! Then he tried to start a business. Then he went broke and moved out of the city and I havent heard from him since. Even after he was fired I still didnt get the assignment of doing that companys websites. I) Fear of asking. I like to give value. But Ill be honest - Im often afraid to ask for a favor. And then I get angry before giving someone a chance to say no. FORGET IT. HES NOT THE TYPE TO HELP SOMEONE!. Blame is a bad excuse for your unhappiness. Only you can make you happy. More on this later. J) Fear of losing respect. Sometimes I think my kids dont respect me and then I get angry at them. Youre not a normal parent one of them will inevitably say when I dont do something they want. I slam the table and say, DONT EVER SAY THAT AGAIN! Nobody should yell at a 12 year old. Suddenly its like Im an 11 year old. Or the 11 year old in me thats always there comes out. IM NOT A JERK. YOURE A JERK! By the way, all of the things I listed are fears. Not angers. Anger is just disguised fear. Or disgusted fear. Or destructive fear Youll never be punished for being angry. But youre punished BY your anger. By your fears that keep you locked in the comfort zone. Maybe nobody else feels these things. Maybe this is an embarrassing article. Again, I like to think that being aware and always focusing on my health is like the water dripping on the hard rock inside my heart that these fears have congealed into. Maybe it is and maybe it isnt. Maybe sometimes Im just an idiot. Im sorry, Lauren, I made you get out on the NJ Turnpike. Even writing about it is part of the awareness. I hope. But I know pieces of it will be there forever. Until I am like the river and everything just flows past into the ocean. Maybe some day that will happen. I cant predict. Every day focusing on my physical emotional mental and spiritual health helps the fears flow into the ocean. Cleans the sewage. Anger is just a mutation of fear. And sometimes, for whatever reason, maybe for many reasons, Im very afraid. Which is why its all a daily practice.
Posted on: Thu, 26 Jun 2014 17:23:46 +0000