Happy 21st Birthday Perry Ward!!. I wrote this letter several years ago, and update different parts each year. I have never been able to put into words any better than I have here, so I will continue to post this letter on Perry Wards birthday every year, and hope each time you read it, it impacts you in some way and makes you hold your children just a little closer each day! I looked at Justin the other day and rubbed the hair on his chin and said to him, you have more hair on your face than Perry Ward did, and he looked at me and said, that is because I am older than Perry Ward now mom. I caught my breath, held back the tears, and wondered where the time had gone. We are never promised tomorrow, so live and love today as if it is all you have left! When I was newly pregnant with you, to look at me no one would know you were there, but I knew. I carried you with me everywhere I went. I nourished you, worried for you, prayed for you. I dreamt about what color eyes you would have, what color hair you would have. what your smile would look like, what you would like and dislike. The day you were born remains the most defining moment of my life. You made me a mother for the first time something I had always dreamed of being. My heart had never felt love like that before and as I cradled you in my arms I accepted that blessings are real and you were mine. As you grew I marveled at your intelligence and compassion for others. I rolled my eyes at your laziness and messy room. I laughed at your silliness and sighed at the mischief you would always seem to find. Like every mother, my hope and dreams for you grew as you did. Yoiue personality began to form and my thoughts became what would your passions be, what would bring you joy, what would fascinate and inspire you. Dad and I thought you would become a great attorney the way you could argue any point, but you ultimately decided your passion was in the police force eventually dreaming of being on the swat team. One morning as you were leaving for school you came in and gave me a hug as was you usual routine and i found myself with my head in your chest. Imagine my surprise when I had to look up to see my little boy. I remember that moment as if it were yesterday. My little boy wasnt so little anymore. Conversations soon became focused on your plans for the future. Dreams were no longer what I had hoped and dreamt for you but rather your own hopes and dreams. It is a trememndously proud moment in a parents life when that happens. Your dad and I were so proud of the man you were becoming and the love and compassion you showed towards others. You taught me alot about loyalty and love, I so wish i could share all that with you now. I think one of your friends that just wrote me from college said it best, you taught him what the true meaning of loyalty and brotherhood was all about and that you were truly the greatest friend he ever had. It was a sunny day on May 13th and I remember you coming into my office that afternoon and rubbing my shoulders and later standing in the dining room telling me how happy you were. That evening when I found out you had gone to Heaven and I came home to the house without you, I realized even then in my broken state that blessings were real and you were still mine. I can now only picture how handsome you would have been standing at the end of the aisle waiting for the woman who would become your wife. I may only imagine how you would have teased me at my 60th birthday party and told me how old I was getting. I have only dreams for the sight of you staring down at your new baby in your arms and taking in the pure joy of your own blessing. A generation now that your brothers and sister will carry on for you. I am less, We are all less without you. Every life you touched was better for knowing you. I say that not because I am your mom, but because I know it to be true. There will be less kindness in the world, less laughter, and less inspiration because you are no longer here. So, we go on, it is the only choice we have, we go on. I never could disappoint you and I cant start now. It would be your expectation that your family continue on and embrace each day as it comes. do their very best, and not get by on excuses. I turn my face to the sun every day, sometimes once is all I have the strength for, but I do it because I can and you cannot. You would have expected nothing less. My heart aches for all that you will never get to experience, for the loss we feel from your absence, for the babies born that will never know you, and the happiness and sorrow we can no longer share with you as we journey through life. I hurt when I see your brothers and sisters struggling so much in this life without you and knowing there is nothing I can do to help them. It is has been 41 months and 20 days since I last held you. It seems like that could not possibly have happened and yet, it did. The unfairness of it all shocks me still. How is it true that you are gone but it is the truth, you are gone. I am unsure how a world that no longer includes you even exists regardless of the fact that I live in it every day. Since I am unable to leave my cherished son behind, I choose to take you with me Perry Ward, until the day comes that I to no longer draw a breath. I carry you everywhere I go, you are and forever will be in my heart. To look at me no one would know you were there, but I know. I will nourish your memory, hold tight to the moments we all shared, and never for a second forget. Mommy loves you, I miss you, and I always will! Happy 21st birthday Perry Ward, the only way I make it through each day is knowing that you are with our Heavenly Father and there is no other place you would rather be!
Posted on: Sat, 02 Nov 2013 05:04:07 +0000
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