He hears each heartfelt plea . . . Each of us, will at some time, be asked to travel a rocky, dark and faith-trying path. Often at the most difficult part of our journey, we will find ourselves, crying out in soul wrenching agony, “Oh God where art thou?” And as He often does, Heavenly Father will answer you through one of His earthly angels. Some of you may have read my post dated Dec 10, in which I expressed the fear of being sad for the rest of my life. Many members of our family have voiced this same fear, and have found that writing down our thoughts and feelings brings some snippets of solace. Brad and I often share our posts with each other before we post publicly. As Brad read aloud the words of my post, we both began to weep. Once again the stark reality of our loss and the accompanying pain and sadness settled in, for what we thought was going to be, an extended visit. But the purpose of THIS post is to show all who read it; God knows our needs before we do. He is a merciful God and He is, in the words of one of our daughters, “The Master Chess Player.” Long before He moved our hearts to share our sorrow, He moved another heart to share His love for us. Please allow Brad and I to explain . . . After reading the Dec 10th entry, through tears, Brad whispered, “Post it.” As I hit the post button, I immediately noticed an unopened private message from my sister, Amanda. I posted at 12:10 pm; her message was sent at 11:53 am. As I read her words to Brad, an overwhelming feeling of peace and gratitude washed over us. We knew that not only was Heavenly Father very aware of us, He knew our feelings of deep sadness, were causing us to question our faithfulness. Our beautiful sister, following the promptings of the Spirit, shared with us a very personal and sacred experience. We felt very strongly her inspired words could help others who are struggling with these same feelings. She expressed her concern over sharing something so personal on such a public forum. Brad told her he understood and shared this . . . “I know how you feel, I sit and stare at the post button every time; this is all so personal, and its my open, unprotected heart, and it scares me. So I take a deep breath and push post, and watch God use our open hearts to help His other children, to feel Him testify that He is there, that the Atonement is real, and working in our lives. I have hated Facebook, YouTube, TV, etc. I have seen it bring destruction into our homes, damaging men, women, and especially children. The adversary has been bold, never holding back, swinging this powerful sword with all his might, and bringing destruction with every blow. Then (our tragedy) happened, and I watched in amazement as the Savior, grasped the sword. I realized it’s a double-edged sword, and it cuts sharper, and deeper, in His hand swinging back the other way. I am so thankful for this; it has sustained me in my darkest hours. All the love and support that has poured into me and my family, God has used them, in answer to our cries for help, and I cant help but wonder how many of them, sat and stared at the post button, took a deep breath, and pushed post . . . That being said, I love you, and your post has already been a tender mercy, from a loving Father in Heaven, and its ok, and totally up to you, if and what goes any further.” With an abiding desire to help others, she willingly gave her permission and love to share her message of comfort and hope with you. These are her words . . . “Hello My Sweet Brother and Sister, You are constantly on my mind. I pray for you daily and wish there were something I could do to relieve the enormously heavy burden you are carrying. I wanted to share something with you. Although I know that the trials we have each experienced in our lives are not the same, we can all relate to the feelings of heartache and sadness that we must endure at different times during this mortal sojourn. Ive shared with you before my experience when I was delivering Holland. During one of the lowest and most painful moments of my life, after I felt I had given everything I had and was completely empty, I felt-with a surety-that I was allowed to have Heavenly help holding me and sustaining me. I have never had an experience of this magnitude and it greatly strengthened my faith. However, days and weeks passed and I experienced moments of tremendous sorrow and loneliness. It took months before there was a day that went by that I did not cry. I remember feeling extremely guilty because I had been allowed to experience a thinness of the veil that many are not blessed to have, and yet my sorrow was still so overwhelming at times. I confided to Amber that I must not have enough faith and must seem very ungrateful since I was allowing myself to feel such sorrow when I had been privileged enough to experience such help from my Heavenly Father. Amber reminded me about the account of Lazarus. When Lazarus died, Jesus wept. The Savior, who has perfect faith and who KNEW that He possessed the power to breathe life back into His friend, still wept. I believe He wept because He loved His friend and his family and He felt their pain and their sorrow and He understood it like no one else could. This scripture story put everything into perspective for me. It helped me to understand that it is all right to feel sadness and to cry sometimes and that is does not mean that we have any less faith or gratitude for what Heavenly Father has done for us. It also strengthened my testimony that the Savior KNOWS exactly what we are feeling and what we experience when we climb our individual mountains. During low times when the ache was especially bad, I would remind myself of this story and it brought comfort and clarity to me. I hope that it might do that in some small way for you too. I remember wondering if my life would ever feel normal again. I can tell you from my experience, life will never be the same normal as it was before you experienced this tragedy. Something -someone- that was a literal part of both of you has died and because of that, there will always be an uncomfortable, unoccupied space in your heart that will ache to be filled, until you are reunited with your precious son. I think the real challenge is in trying to fill that chasm with pure and beautiful and wonderful things. (The things that Dallin would be doing if he were on this side of the veil.) One of the people I met through a support group, when we lost Holland, has a beautiful tradition she and her family do every year around the time she lost her son. She performs 20 random acts of service, one for each week she was blessed to carry her son. I love this idea so much. What an amazing way to honor someones memory and to temporarily fill that void. I know that there will be lots of times in the coming months where you will hurt especially bad and when you will need extra comfort and support. Please know that I am here and I will help you in any way I can. If you need to vent, or cry, or laugh, or just need a hand to hold I am here. I would love to do some temple sessions with you. I think that would be beneficial for us both. We could even have a standing date if you want. Please know that I love you more than I can express in words, I cant tell you how blessed and thankful I feel to have been allowed to be in your family. You are amazing examples and have strengthened me throughout my life, more than you realize. I hope that I can in some way provide the same kind of loving and compassionate service to you that you have provided to me over the years. Thank you for sharing your light. I love you both.” Brad and I know this was an unusually long post, but felt there is someone out there who, like us, needed it. May God bless each and every one of you, who have been walking by our side in thought and deed. We love you.
Posted on: Wed, 17 Dec 2014 18:44:36 +0000
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