Hello, and welcome to my dental office. Id like to review some exciting new changes with you. Witnessing the huge success of our large, centralized, liberal socialist Federal Government that has led to a massive increase in the quality of life for all citizens, I have decided to restructure my dental practice to mirror this success. Now, you must understand that as a doctor, there are certain things that the layman (you) may ignorantly label “wasteful spending” but as an authority on healthcare, I assure you these things are necessary for the proper functioning of my doctorness, and likewise are for your own good. I must have a yacht. Im a doctor. I must have a private jet and a helicopter. Im a doctor. I must have luxury cars. A lot of them. Havent decided how many, cause Im a doctor. I must have a mansion, and 4 vacation homes. Im a doctor. I need to play golf at least 4 times a week. I...am....a....DOCTOR. Additionally I need to take at least 8 two week vacations a year. If I dont have these things, I cant keep doctoring and stuff. Thats bad for you. Dont get me wrong. You need oral healthcare. But if I dont have all my doctory stuff, you seriously cant expect me to effectively doctor around on you right? Yeah, I didnt think so. Hope youre not feeling too foolish. Obviously then, you need to pay for all this stuff. But you dont make enough money, so your family, friends, neighbors, and people youve never met need to pay for it too. Now clearly theres a lot of initial expense here, but lets not forget the long term maintenance. We are talking HUGELY EXPENSIVE. So you, your family, friends, neighbors and people youve never met are going to have to pay for this, for.....pretty much ever. If you can somehow keep paying after youre dead too, thatd be great. Listen, I know your tooth hurts. I heard you the first time. We will get to that. Trust me, I am an attentive doctor and I listen to my constituents. But first, I need to address the nation wide epidemic of poor oral hygeine. It is obvious that no one can be trusted with a toothbrush. I am banning toothbrushes. If you want your teeth brushed you will have to call, and a licensed and trained toothbrushing officer will be dispatched to you. Of course, this will be a costly program. So you, your family, friends, neighbors and people you have never met will have to pay some more, for....pretty much ever. Im just one doctor though, so my resources and time are limited. Dont expect that you will be able to get your teeth brushed any time you need. Its just not realistic. Come on silly. Yeah, your face looks pretty swollen. Neat. You know what else is neat? Ive just learned from a special interest group that has paid me a crap ton of money that in the walls of 4 of my 5 dental operatories resides a rare and endangered species of termite. Now, current science, in the form of large sums of money, has convinced me that this species of termite needs to be preserved and maintained for the balance of our delicate ecosystem, and your own good. These 4 operatories are off limits to you. Furthermore, I have awarded this special interest group a contract to maintain this termite reserve for the next 3,000 years and you, your family, friends, neighbors, and people youve never met will pay them handsomely for it. Heres a napkin. Please wipe the puss thats draining from your eye and nose. Its making me a little sick and its distracting me from making policy thats for your own good. By the way, that napkin cost $300. But dont worry, you dont have to pay for all of that. Your family, friends, neighbors, and people youve never met are chipping in too. You see, the real crisis we are facing today is that weve had Doctors without Borders, but as they say, space is the final frontier. We need doctors in space, and as a doctor, I need to go to space. Im buying a spaceship. Those are pretty expensive, but if you want your tooth fixed, thats just how this has to go down. You know, it sounds to me like youre having some trouble breathing. You should probably go to the hospital. Man, I sure hope you have Obamacare cause those medical bills are gonna sting! Give me a call if you live, so I can go over some of my new spending programs with you.
Posted on: Thu, 14 Aug 2014 02:06:09 +0000
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