Here we go yet again. Back to these little wins Im celebrating far too much over for the short amount of time it actually lasts. Its a good thing I like psychology because the more I delve into this the more answers I find. Its all about psychological displacement. A defensive mechanism to cover up whats really going on. The origin of displacement begins in the mind. It works unconsciously and entails feelings, concepts, or desires being transported from their basic object to another alternative. It is most often utilized to alleviate stress. Our basic instinct is to dispel anxiety and this is a way to cope with it. We crossed the point of no return when I started getting into her psyche, seeing what she was thinking, how she truly felt. When she realized how she wasnt ready to be in a relationship there was no turning back. Although we put everything on hold because of this realization, the feelings kept growing on both sides. You cant say Im not ready one day, then say I love you the next. At first, it just didnt make sense how she could be in love so soon. But now I see why. In finding someone new, all of these displaced feelings were transferred over. A chance to start fresh and feel the flood of all these emotions. He just happened to be the new host. And this is why she says shes never experienced it before. All those feelings she had slowly grown for me, he got to benefit from in an instant, without having to do any of the work. Its why shes being so distant, its why she has no answers. Even now, she uses our past to try and move forward; my words, our connection. Shes taking the metaphors of love that I created and is trying to use them as her own. Ill be honest in saying that initially it hurt my feelings. Those were personal emotions I shared to express how I feel about her in a romantic way. But there is a reason why she did this, and a reason why shes going out of her way for me to see it. There are millions of different ways to show the expression of love, yet she chose mine. I wouldnt be surprised if the next thing to come is matching t-shirts that say Adorkable. It is nice to know that the thought of me still lives somewhere deep inside her, even if she tries to deny it. That you cant break something so strong, no matter how hard you try to will it away. Immaturity would take this only as an insult, but being who I am, I see its actually a beautiful compliment. Shes still living vicariously through my love. Ive rubbed off on her more than I thought. Its a good feeling. But the more time that passes and the less I choose to share about this experience, the less ideas shell be able to pull from our relationship. And thats when everything will slowly fade back to the reality of it all. Its easy to get lost in this confusion situation. But I cant lose focus on whats important. Shes repeating the same patterns. I still believe she has all the means and capabilities to achieve getting past this. Even if I lie in its wake, she can do it. I know she can. It makes everything so worthwhile. Its worth all this trouble and yet be left behind, because its a life thats carefree. Its happiness. The theme I always come back to. I did my best with the situation presented to me. I couldve chosen the easy way. But I dont want to be just another boyfriend. I dont want something that is finite. If everything was left the way it was, it wouldnt have been possible. It wouldnt have lasted. I wanted to be the boyfriend. Last and final. But to get to that point, we had to get through the hurdles. It was a chance worth taking. I knew the odds were against me, but that didnt matter. I was ready and willing to give everything I had. And I did, but I was jumping through the hurdles alone. She wasnt ready. And thats ok, some people need to get there on their own terms. Ive left my impression. And its turning out to be a pretty damn good one. We cant be friends because nothing between us would change. The chemistry and feelings would bounce back and forth making more stress and more anxiety. Im not ashamed for feeling the way I do, fighting for something good in my life. Because everything weve experienced is the truth and now its showing on her side. She can use the word love, she can take millions of pictures, she can be happy in the present. I will still be unfazed. I will not falter. I will not react the way she wants me to. Because when comparing it all, those are just things that are tangible. Hes at the surface while Im unseen, deeply rooted underneath the ground. Its the intangible things that matter the most. Even though I have the answers as to why, I still miss the friendship. I miss the goofy, yet always entertaining conversations. I miss her laughter when I say or do something stupid. I miss the inside jokes. I miss looking into her green eyes while being comforted simply by her presence. I miss slowly but surely being pushed off the sidewalk walking down the street. I miss all these little things. I miss everything. I wish there was a way to keep that. Even if friendship is all it will ever be. It is such a delight. But it cant happen. What Im about to say is not an insult, nor does it discount what she has now. Its just my perspective, comparing and contrasting. What shes feeling right now (for lack of better words) is the youthful naive sense of love. One were everything is perfect from the beginning and its nothing but rainbows, butterflies and happiness. Everyone goes through this phase, the world is their oyster type thing. But Im completely the opposite. Ive seen how blind that type of love can make you. When things start to not work out, you arent prepared for that side of the relationship. You end up falling pretty hard because youve built things sky high in your mind, and the slightest movement shatters it. Theres no sense of control. What Im feeling is a more rugged, realistic sense of love. The one where even if everything bad keeps happening, when nothing goes its way, it remains unmoved. Nothing can sway this feeling no matter what the circumstance, no matter how bruised it gets. Its a love that looks ugly and beat up on the outside, but on the inside it is as pure as can be. It sounds like a horrible love to be in, but life isnt perfect and neither is the way I can describe it. Love isnt finding a perfect person. Its seeing an imperfect person perfectly. When you accept a person for who they are, you have to take the good and the bad. All the little idiosyncrasies that most would find imperfect, I embrace as perfect. Youthful naive love would have me full of spite and hate for it not being returned, but this love? It allows me to let her go. It allows me to see shes just doing what she thinks is right. That shes doing something that she needs in her life at this point in time. Its the type of love that allows her to experiment. Its the type of love that has no expectations of reciprocation. There are huge differences between the two. Ive made my feelings known. Its nothing to seek forgiveness for and its nothing to be upset over. Because thats what this love is. It encompasses everything. You tell me which love is worth it all in the end: the one that changes, or the one that never does? Id take unconditional love any day without hesitation. Even if it is one sided. She needs to experience her type enough times before she can cross over to meet mine. Where she can understand what unconditional means. There are many benefits getting to know someone completely. You start to know how they think, you see the patterns of their actions. She asked me before if I really wanted to get involved with all of this. And the answer has and always will be the same. This is nothing compared to how much I can take on. I have a strong resolve. I have the mindset that cannot bend or break. But this is not something I created on my own. I cant take all the credit. She was the one to make me a believer. And although I have every reason to quit, I still believe. Its when all the chips have fallen, when everything comes to the final conclusion, shell see that my pathway was the one that never strayed. Theres only one goal I have in mind. Ill take all the hits, suffer the most but its worth it in the end. Its easy to misconstrue what Im fighting for. But Ill make it very clear. Im not fighting for me, or for us, Im fighting for her. Even when she wont fight for herself. This is who I am. I care about everyone, I care for their well being. I shouldnt keep saying that Ill always be there because its already implied. Its what Ive done from the very beginning. Distance doesnt matter, nor does time, nor does whatever form of friendship it becomes or doesnt become. Its one thing that will always stay constant. Theres nothing in the world anyone could do to fight against someones subconscious. Especially when we agreed that it was the main thing holding us back. You arent whole until youve fully healed. Yet here I am, searching for ways to show what I mean, so I found this: The middle helper draws us to symbiotic relationships which are relationships that repeat and trigger the same unhealthy patterns from our childhood. We end up unknowingly in dysfunctional relationships projecting and displacing emotions on our partners and not knowing that these are mostly unresolved emotions from our past. Remember, when blocked off emotions from the past get triggered, they feel contemporary and we tend to blame the external object in our current reality for our feelings. Only when we realize that these negative emotions that are being triggered are feelings that we need to resolve, can we begin the healing process. When unresolved feelings of the heart from childhood problems are resolved, individuals will be drawn to healthier relationships. This is exactly what Ive been trying to do all along. Its hard to try and convince someone to make a good change in their life. Even more so when its a life changing event. Its very unfortunate how things turned out. All of the sacrifices weve made were for her future. And now its a future that will be delayed further. I miss her so incredibly much but Im still thankful. I still appreciate everything I got to do. I am the one that showed her a different way, that stayed selfless and thought only of her well being, while sacrificing my own. Few people in this life will ever be in my position. To have something thats perfect and for uncontrollable reasons its gone. This is the first time Ive ever lost a relationship with no wrongdoings. Which is rare for anyone to have been through. Im starting to focus less on the aftermath and more on the experience. I am extremely lucky and at the same time, I see my self worth. That I envision a wonderful future for someone and was there with them every step of the way. One day shell realize this too and see all the good that I have to offer. Someone shell never encounter again no matter how hard she looks. Life isnt just black and white like the way she wants it to be. Its both but with millions of different shades of grey. You have to be able to transition through these colors of life to find where you fit best. In the past when a relationship ends, Id take a long time to be by myself and reflect on the things that went wrong. Work out the flaws that became known in that time period. Quickly going into another relationship doesnt allow you the time you need to process and address these problems. Ive been fine tuning it. This recent relationship I approached from a completely different standpoint. I did my research, I studied and I took my time to figure out if it was really something that had a future. Only after I was able to confirm the possibility, did I actually take the chance. And look how it turned out: a near flawless relationship on my side. Going back into the reflecting period, theres nothing for me to change. Ive perfected everything I needed to be in a long lasting relationship. I have found the exact method Im looking for. And when that day comes where she is whole again, everything Ive done will be an epiphany. Its just a matter of where we are in our lives when that time comes. It could never happen. Thats always a possibility. But it all goes back to what you believe in. And with all my heart, I believe in her. I think on a day like today, Id part with this piece of poetry. Whether it be in a relationship or in friendship, there has to be an equal amount of give and take. Its the only way to make it last, for it to grow further. But it also shows that its never too late. Minds change all the time, as I see it happening again. Its the point of why I do these things. I provide the comfort she seeks when she continues to read these words. Its nothing but a small gesture, and its one Im more than happy to do. Im forty eight days into this and it already feels like an eternity. My faith and love for her are the only things I have left, and its the only things that guides me while I continue to explore this unknown. If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda I want you to know one thing. You know how this is: if I look at the crystal moon, at the red branch of the slow autumn at my window, if I touch near the fire the impalpable ash or the wrinkled body of the log, everything carries me to you, as if everything that exists: aromas, light, metals, were little boats that sail toward those isles of yours that wait for me. Well, now, if little by little you stop loving me I shall stop loving you little by little. If suddenly you forget me do not look for me, for I shall already have forgotten you. If you think it long and mad, the wind of banners that passes through my life, and you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots, remember that on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms and my roots will set off to seek another land. But if each day, each hour, you feel that you are destined for me with implacable sweetness, if each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me, ah my love, ah my own, in me all that fire is repeated, in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, my love feeds on your love, beloved, and as long as you live it will be in your arms without leaving mine...
Posted on: Thu, 14 Aug 2014 07:01:30 +0000
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