Heres why I write to Jeff Dugon. Ill preface by saying, I do not expect every person to read every post I write. Read if you like, dont if you dont like. But, for those of you who think I should either move on or who find the writings each week to be disconcerting, this post may help you understand. The writing started as my way of staying connected to Jeff, to let him know how sad I am to lose him, to tell him how things were going. Writing to each other was common for us. Even our table notes to each other when he was a very busy teenager and I was a single working mom were sometimes heart touching and sometimes hilarious. Mom, sorry I didnt finish mowing. Yes, the mower is broke. No, I didnt do it on purpose (this time). I swear. Love you, Jeff. Jeff, I see the ride-on mower is down, but no worries, the push mower still works. Try again. Love you, mom. All through his being away at college, I wrote him letters and sent him care packages and silly cards. He would send me emails and even sent some of his college papers he wrote. Even when we lived near each other, we would email each other or connect through facebook. When he was in jail, we wrote to each other - he was so much better about it than I was and I will always feel so incredibly guilty I did not write more, but he wrote almost every week. Jeff and I had an amazing relationship, but we also struggled at times and could fight like crazy. He had a knack for egging me on and needling me. And I happen to have a horrible temper! Sometimes, especially if it was a difficult topic, we communicated better when we wrote. So, it felt natural to post my feelings in written words to him. And it felt good, even when it was painful to do. There is a writers quote though I cant remember who said it, Write to know that which you do not know. Which is another aspect of writing... that sometimes I know exactly what I want to say and other times there is a little thought or feeling that is eating at me and I cannot put my finger on it or understand it until I start to write it. And, so, as I write to Jeff, there are times I am unfolding the mysteries of my own feelings. And I realized, as Ive always hated the passage of time, I suddenly hated it more than I ever have. Each day moves me away from the last day I saw Jeff and as I type that, the tears spill over. It is a horrible and devastating feeling. So, I decided if I committed to writing to him each week, its a place marker, its a way to not get too far away from him. And, so there, was the commitment. I am also not afraid of real or truth. Any of you who truly know me, know this. However, because of life, work and people and the way things are and the fact that I have to stay strong and I have to work and I have to keep doing the things I am supposed to do and because people dont really want to or know how to deal with the face of a grieving mother, the majority of my real life is spent not showing how I really feel. And so, a note to Jeff, speaking the truth, is a safe place for me to do that. This is the space that I have found I can let it all out. Please also realize, I write what I have been feeling or feeling compelled to say - it does not mean that those exact feelings or that exact intensity is how I feel every second of every day. I also have coworkers that make me laugh. I also spend time with the kids who bring me joy and I love hearing about what they are doing. I also still complain about politics and poor construction practices and Mitch and I can carry on about these things for hours. The loss, the pain, the sadness is still underlying and will always be there, but I am also alive and learning how to be in this world with this pain in my chest. There are times I feel happiness. There are times I am crying. There are days on end I feel nothing but sadness even if Im able to fake normal for days on end. Im not suicidal. Im not giving up on life. Im also not ok and I will never be the same. And that is not a statement to make anyone feel bad, it simply is. I have probably learned more about myself and the human race through this horrible loss than I have over the course of my entire life. I also know now that I was horrible at comforting people and addressing the loss of a loved one. Horrible. I understand more now than I ever did about why people do the things they do when they lose someone so close. I will continue to write to Jeff weekly in the way that is exactly what I would want to say to him if I could send that letter off to the heavens. Im sure there will be happy letters and Im sure there will be sad letters. Those letters are for him, for me, for those who understand this level of grief, for those who care enough to want to know (truly) how were doing and for those who want to understand grief in an intimate way so that they might know how to better help a loved one through the same in the future. And I will selfishly continue to let you help me (and our family) by sending me your love, hugs and encouragement.
Posted on: Fri, 21 Nov 2014 04:25:31 +0000
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