Hey Guys- Today I wanted to continue our talk on safe people with two more types of unsafe people, one who is self-righteous instead of humble and one who only apologizes instead of changing their behavior. UNSAFE PEOPLE ARE SELF-RIGHTEOUS INSTEAD OF HUMBLE Unsafe people will never identify with others as fellow strugglers or failures in specific areas, because they see themselves as somehow above all of that. This Im better than you dynamic produces a lot of shame and guilt in people who are associated with this type of unsafe person. It significantly block intimacy because two people are never on even ground, which is where human intimacy takes place. It sets up comparison, competitive strivings, defensiveness, and alienation. Psychologists call this dynamic a not me experience: People have a character structure that does not allow them to see certain realities as part of themselves. They project things onto others and cannot own their own flaws. They talk about the flaw in other people, as if they are somehow not able to identify with them. UNSAFE PEOPLE ONLY APOLOGIZE INSTEAD OF CHANGING THEIR BEHAVIOR But hes really sorry this time, she said. When I confronted him with what I knew, he cried and said he was so heartbroken about what he had done. I could tell he was really torn up about it. My counselee was referring to her husband, whom she had discovered had been seeing another woman. She was being taken in by his true pain over what he had done and his promise never to do it again. However, he had made similar confessions countless times before. Each time, he was so sorry. He cried and made very short-lived 180-degree turnarounds. This was the fourth time that he had been involved with another woman. And each previous time, he had been sorry. The truth is, however, that sorry is as sorry does. A synonym to sorry is repentance, and it means a true turnaround. But unlike the spins that this man had made, a true turnaround is one that lasts. That does not mean that there is perfect behavior after that point, but that the change is real and that is bears fruit over time. To repent means to change ones mind and to turn around and be transformed. A wife of a friend on mine once said to me, I cannot remember in the twenty-five years of our marriage that I have mentioned something hurtful that my husband did that he ever did again. These are trustworthy people because they are on the road to change, and their behavior matters to them. people who apologize quickly may act like they are sorry or as if they are interested in change, but they are really leading someone on. They may say all the words, and some are taken in by their tears and sorrow. but in reality they are more sorry about getting caught. They do not change, and the future will be exactly like the past. Again, the issue here is not perfection. People who are changing still are not perfect. But there is a qualitative change that is visible in people of repentance that dow not have do do with guilt, with getting caught, or trying to get someone off their back. The prognosis for change is always better when it is not motivated by a getting caught episode, but by real confession and coming to the light about what is wrong. Sometimes, when someone is caught, he will repent and change, but that repentance can only be tested over time. The general principle it to look for whether the repentance is motivated from outside pressure or from true internal desire to change. Getting caught or adapting to someones anger is not a long lasting motivator. Eventually the motivations must be a hunger and thirst for love for the injured. Cheers, Henry
Posted on: Wed, 19 Nov 2014 18:59:56 +0000
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