How can I forgive someone who attacks my child? Q #835: Forgiveness comes relatively easily to me when it involves the interaction of myself and another, but I am having difficulty in forgiving attacks against a child of 14. My ability to forgive my husband for attacks levied against my son (his step-son) has been only partially successful, as they recur even when I believe I have done my best to appeal to the Holy Spirit to let me see the situation differently. How can I change? A: Perceiving another as unfairly treated is the same as perceiving oneself unfairly treated. It is the projection of guilt for attacking the Self by denying Its true Identity as Gods Son, and choosing identity with the ego instead. In the egos version of who we are (separate bodies), everyone in every relationship is projecting, attacking and defending. That is how the “game of guilt” (T.26.X.4:7) is played, and in it everyone loses. What is lost originally is the awareness of innocence in the mind. This is then experienced in the world as the loss of peace, which seems to be caused by the attacks of one person upon another. It does not matter who is perceived as victim or victimizer, the result is the same: identity with the body is established, defended and maintained. This in turn serves to keep belief in the reality of the separation alive. The first step in changing the perception of victimization is to acknowledge that this is, in fact, the dynamic that is in operation, regardless of the judgments and feelings you may have about the situation, or what the circumstances may be. The judgments and feelings are not denied, but their true source (beliefs held in the mind) must be acknowledged for change to occur. An important goal of A Course in Miracles is to teach us that everyone has a mind (including children), and that attack against oneself occurs in the mind when the ego is chosen. Recognition that the mind is the source of guilt for choosing the ego, which is then projected on to someone else, is already a change in the way one views the situation. A little willingness to recognize projection in operation is enough to begin the process of forgiveness, which is the only meaningful change. It is willingness to forgive your husband “for what he did not do” (T.17.III.1:5) . He has attacked your son, but he has not taken away his peace or yours. That can only be done by each ones choice in the mind. When this is understood, it becomes clear that forgiveness is total, applying equally to your husband, your son, and others. When an attack occurs, the Holy Spirit can help if we are willing to recognize that we have already judged the situation and that we are wrong in our interpretation. Only then can the Holy Spirit replace our perception with His. Any belief that the attack has had a real effect blocks the Holy Spirits message, because a decision has already been made to listen to the ego which tells us the body is real and that attacks external to the mind are the source of pain and conflict. In lesson 24 of the workbook, we find a way to clear the egos static by generalizing its message to all relationships. Slightly paraphrased it tells us: “We do not perceive anyones best interests” (W.pI.24). We must therefore question all the expectations we bring to relationships, and all the things we think bring happiness and well being to others. They are all based on the belief that we are bodies. If we are at least willing to introduce doubt in this belief system, the door opens to receiving the Holy Spirits perception of a situation that seems to have only the interpretation the ego assigns to it. In the Course, Jesus teaches that in all relationships everyone acts out the same choice, the same guilt, and the same fear. That is what relationships are for, it is what we came to the world to do, and what the Holy Spirit needs us to see so He can reinterpret them for us. Although the attacks may not stop, the way they are perceived will change with the Holy Spirits help. It is always difficult to see loved ones attacked. The choice to invite the Holy Spirits light into the conflict will ease the burden of trying to fix it, and His peace will gradually ease the pain and tension. There could not be any greater comfort than the acknowledgment that the body is not our true identity, and that attack need not abolish peace. Whether or not your husbands behavior changes, on some level the peace that you experience as a result of accepting the Holy Spirits definition of who we are and His interpretation of attack will be communicated to him as well as to your son. One of you will have chosen sanity by choosing the Holy Spirit/the right mind. You, your husband, and your son will thus know (again, on some level not necessarily consciously) that the original attack of believing in the separation has had no real effect. With this mindfulness, whatever you choose to do to help your husband and your son, your peace will be your comfort and theirs. facimoutreach.org/qa/questions/questions162.htm#Q835
Posted on: Sat, 10 May 2014 13:37:10 +0000
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