How to Detach from a Narcissist Detaching from a narcissist can be quite difficult. The process of letting go can be easier if you understand the reasons why you feel attached to your spouse, even though he or she is acting cruel towards you and is constantly putting you mentally down. When you understand what is causing your feelings it will be easier for you to control your emotions and get mentally rid of a narcissist. Relationship with a narcissistic partner can often be compared to drug addiction. In the beginning of the relationship a narcissist is making you feel as an amazing human being and is claiming that he/she has never met anyone like you. It is typical for a narcissistic person to start to talk about "love" and "loving" almost immediately, even before they have had a chance to really get to know your personality and who you are. The beginning of the relationship with a narcissist is wonderful time, they often appear to be almost too good to be true (eventually it turns out that this was true). During this "honeymoon" period, your brain is releasing so-called "pleasure substances", biochemical compounds which are responsible for the feelings of happiness, mental balance and euphoria. As time goes by your brain is slowly being altered in such a way that you must have the "drug" constantly available in order to maintain a satisfied state of mind. In this case the "drug" is the love of your narcissistic partner. Similar thing happens in all relationships in the beginning. During the first couple years into a relationship your brain is adjusting to the new life with your spouse by reorganizing the structure of the neuronal networks that are controlling the emotions related to romantic love. Due to this reorganization the feelings of love towards your husband or wife are integrated deep into your brain. This kind of reshaping of the neuronal connections only happens if you are strongly in love with your husband or wife. If you do not experience strong emotions towards your spouse, the structure of the neuronal networks related to these emotions is not reorganized significantly. Addicted to a narcissist It is very common that a narcissist can be so incredibly charming and "perfect" in the beginning of the relationship that you fall strongly in love before you even realize what is happening. As a result of this, you soon become strongly addicted to your partner and you must have their love constantly available to you. When a drug addict no longer has access to the drug, withdrawal symptoms will occur. When access to the drug is denied unexpectedly, withdrawal symptoms are very strong. Same thing happens in a relationship with a narcissistic person. As soon as the idealization phase is over, a narcissist might change his or her behavior very fast: they may turn cold, uncaring, and even cruel. When this happens, you feel lost and disoriented because you can no longer fool yourself and think that your narcissistic spouse loves you. You have no idea why your spouse has changed his or her behavior, but as a result of it you are suddenly deprived of your "drug" and you experience strong withdrawal symptoms. Your mind is filled with mixed feelings of depression, anxiety and other forms of mental pain. During this mental crisis you are trying to maintain your relationship with your spouse. If your spouse is giving you the slightest hint that he or she might still be in love with you and care for you, you feel like getting a single dose of the drug after a period of painful deprivation. For a short while all your negative feelings will disappear, but later they return even stronger. The only effective way to get mentally rid of a narcissist is not to be in any kind of contact with them. In addition to this, reading about narcissism and experiences of those who have gone through the same mental turmoil will help you. Knowledge is power, the more you know about your "enemy" the better you can fight it. In this case the enemy is your mental addiction to your narcissistic partner. Understanding the reasons that are causing your negative emotions makes it easier for you to control your life. This is the basic idea in psychotherapy. Healing after Cheating and Narcissism Learning to Control Your Emotions You have found you way to this page because you are dealing with narcissism or cheating in your relationship. You are going through all sorts of negative emotions due to problems related to your spouse. Some of the emotions you are experiencing may include: • Anger • Depression • Anxiety • Humiliation • Severe mental pain The most important thing for you to do right now is to get rid of the mental pain caused by the memory of cheating or unhappy events related to your spouse, after that you can decide what you wish to do with your relationship. You may wish to stay with your husband or wife or you may wish to go your separate ways. Whatever you decide to do, it is best that you make your decision with a clear mind and not when your thoughts are clouded by pain, depression, anxiety, anger and frustration. The aim of the book Healing After Cheating - Learn to Control Your Emotions (to learn more about the book, see the review below) is to speed up the recovery process after mental tragedies such as cheating or living with a narcissistic spouse. The goal is to give scientific insights regarding the mental pain and to introduce ways to help the mind and the brain to heal faster. The book includes practical tips and information regarding what one can do to speed up the mental recovery after experiencing emotional trauma such as cheating or mental abuse performed by a narcissistic spouse. I also recommend you to read this article, the brain training exercises described here will further aid the recovery process: Training the Brain. Getting rid of the mental pain Imagine if there was a button you could push to make your painful feelings go away. Most people who are in a relationship with a narcissist or who are dealing with emotional pain due to cheating and betrayal would not hesitate to push that button. Unfortunately there is no such button, but there are other methods to get over the emotional pain. It is crucial to understand the actual source of the pain. When you are walking on the street, no one is aware of the pain in your mind. Your friends are aware of it because you may have told them how you feel, but they cannot personally experience your pain, you are the only one who is fully aware of it. In other words, the pain only exists in your mind, it is the product of certain kind of activity in the neuronal networks in your brain. Once you understand this, you are one step closer to getting rid of the pain. The aim of the book Healing After Cheating - Learn to Control Your Emotions is to help you to learn to control negative feelings and to get rid of the emotional pain you are now experiencing. Teaching your mind to let go of the pain If you understand the biological and psychological basis of the negative emotions, you can learn to control them and hence get rid of the emotional pain. If you are in the middle of the emotional storm, before you are capable of functioning logically you need to calm the storm down. You cannot function properly while you are going through an emotional turmoil. One of the aims of this book is to teach you to calm your mind and to shut down the emotional pain so that you can see your situation more clearly. The goal is to teach you to get rid of the pain, so that you can make the necessary decisions with a clear mind. In order to get mentally over cheating or a narcissistic spouse one needs to regain the mental balance and the peace of mind. Only then one will be strong enough to break free from the relationship with a narcissist and walk away without looking back. Understanding the behavior of your spouse This book will help you to understand why a narcissist or a cheater is behaving in a certain way. When you understand the real reasons for your own behavior and for the behavior of your spouse, it will be easier for you to deal with the situation. The book will help you to recognize certain behavioral patterns and teach you how to deal with them. If you are dealing with a narcissist and wish to leave, the book will help you to end the relationship. If you are forced to stay in your relationship, the book will help you to learn how to co-exist with a narcissistic person. If you are dealing with cheating in your relationship, the book will help you to get over your negative feelings related to the memory of cheating and helps you to understand the reasons why your spouse cheated on you. In the end of the book you find section "Survival package after cheating" with instructions of what you can do to ease the immediate pain after finding out about cheating or betrayal. The book is easy to read and emphasis is on practicality. You can start the recovery process right now by downloading the book. Tomorrow you will have a whole new view of your situation and a clear idea of what to do to help yourself to get better as soon as possible. The Narcissist in the Workplace: Tips for Working with a Narcissist The Narcissist in the Workplace, How to work with a Narcissist? Sometime in your career, you will run into a boss or co-worker who is so difficult, you will feel hopeless about ever finding a way to work with that person. That individual may well have a narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic personality is characterized by an unrealistic or inflated sense of self-importance, an inability to see the viewpoint of others, and hypersensitivity to criticism. Narcissists are preoccupied with grandiose fantasies and unrealistic plans. They tend to be bullies and often resort to verbal and emotional abuse. They exploit people and then thrust them aside. Narcissists will have no empathy and will regard their co-workers as mere instrument, objects, or tools. However, they will also need their co-workers or underlings to be their sources of adulation, affirmation, as well as someone who can be used for potential benefits (such as taking credit for your work and so on). If you work with or under a narcissist, your work life might be described as a living hell. Workplace narcissists seethe with anger and resentment underneath their public facade. They are also extremely envious; they will destroy what they perceive to be the sources of their constant frustration such as a popular co-worker, a successful boss, or a skilled employee. Narcissists crave constant attention and will go to great lengths to secure it – including by engineering situations that place them at the center. They are immature, constantly complain, and criticize everyone and everything. They are intrusive and invasive in the workplace. They firmly believe in their own power and superior insight. They feel entitled to special treatment and are convinced that they are above the laws, including the rules of their place of employment. Narcissists can be very disruptive and are poor team members; they seldom collaborate with others without being quarrelsome. They are control freaks and feel the compulsive urge to interfere and micromanage everything as well as overrule others. Unfortunately, Western society and culture are narcissistic. Narcissistic behaviors have long been the norm. The fundamentally narcissistic traits of individualism, competitiveness, and unbridled ambition are the foundation of certain versions of capitalism. Thus, certain forms of abuse and bullying actually are tolerated as a basic part of the myth of today’s corporations. Narcissistic bosses have been idolized. In many companies, managers and executives probably demonstrate more narcissistic tendencies than others do, but in varying degrees. For instance, the early Steve Jobs and Oracle’s Larry Ellison were the epitome of corporate narcissism. But Bill Gates and Warren Buffet exhibit hardly any traits at all. Characteristics • Arrogant and self-centered, they expect special treatment and privileges. • They can be charismatic, articulate and funny-especially in the beginning or if they want something from you. • They are likely to disrespect boundaries and the privacy of others. • They can be patronizing and critical of others but unwilling or unable to accept criticism or disagreement themselves. • Likely to be anxiety-stricken or paranoid, they may exhibit violent, rage-like reactions when they can’t control a situation or their behaviors have been exposed. • They are apt to set others up for failure or pit co-workers against one another. • They can be cruel and abusive to some co-workers, often targeting one person at a time until he quits. • They may need an ongoing “narcissist supply” of people who they can easily manipulate and who will do whatever they suggest — including targeting a co-worker — without question. • They are often charming and act innocent in front of managers. Who can Work with a Narcissist? Certain personalities mesh well with narcissistic people in the workplace. For instance, someone with a Dependent Personality Disorder, or a submissive person whose expectations are low and are willing to absorb abuse would survive with a narcissist, possibly even thrive in such an environment. But the majority of people in the workforce are likely to suffer ill-health effects, have conflicts with the narcissist, or end up being fired, reassigned or demoted. The narcissistic bully frequently gets his way: he gets promoted, the ideas he stole from someone else become corporate policy, and his misconduct is tolerated. This is due, in part, because narcissists are excellent liars with considerable acting skills – upper management believes them, at least initially, and believes that their abilities are too valuable to lose. Deciding whether or not to continue to work with someone who is a narcissist also depends on whether the narcissistic bully represents the culture of the workplace or if he is an isolated case. Regrettably, often abusive behaviors in a person’s office or shop floor are merely a microcosm of pervasive bad behavior which permeates the entire corporate hierarchy, from top management to the bottom rung of employment. Bullies seldom dare to express their behavior in defiance of the prevailing culture because if they did go against the grain of their place of employment, they would lose their jobs. Typically, narcissists join already narcissistic companies and fit right in a toxic workplace, a noxious atmosphere, and an already abusive management. If one is not willing to succumb to these customs and lack of ethics in the workplace, there isn’t a whole lot one can do except resign and find another job. Working in an environment with a narcissist is a dismal landscape indeed. If you cannot leave the job or get reassigned, there are ways to survive without “kissing up” to the narcissist and always being vigilant about what you say and how you say it: Tips for Working with a Narcissist • Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him • Never offer him any intimacy or personal information • Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on) • Never remind him of life ‘out there’ and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity. You can aggrandize even your office supplies, the most mundane thing conceivable by saying: “These are the BEST art materials ANY workplace is going to have”, “We get them EXCLUSIVELY”, etc.; • Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on the narcissist’s self-image, power, superior judgment, infinite awareness or insight, skills, capabilities, or professional record. Bad sentences start with: “I think you overlooked … made a mistake here … you don’t know … do you know … you were not here yesterday so … you cannot … you should … (interpreted as rude imposition, narcissists react very badly to perceived restrictions placed on their freedom) … I (never mention the fact that you are a separate, independent entity, narcissists regard others as extensions of their selves)…” You get the idea.
Posted on: Tue, 02 Jul 2013 23:24:42 +0000
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