How to track a YAP: • comb through your nightly booty call email from YAPtracker. • Inquire about any opportunities in the greater NY area (hey, whats a ride on the LIRR or Metro North if it means a job? At least you can legally have a beer on the train ride home should the audition go amiss). Scroll immediately to the bottom of the post to see if and what they pay. Modest honorarium for some roles... I guess Id better apply. • give them your lunch money. • and by lunch I mean your grocery money, because we cant afford $30-$75 lunches. • Fill out annoyingly long application, often times requiring you to beg a former conductor/teacher/director/ex to write a letter of recommendation, as well as sorting through your sound files to fit the obscure requirements (do we really need an aria in every language, people?), updating your resume deleting your high school musical to make room for singing at your uncles wedding.. Etc etc etc. • Hit save & send and say a little prayer that perhaps youll actually get paid to sing and hopefully it amounts to more than 75 cents an hour (arent there laws against this?) Then realize that you dont pray to god unless youre getting paid at a church/synagogue gig, and hope that all the txting during church doesnt count against you. • probably dont even hear back even though youve waisted about an hour, plus far too much brain-power determining whether this audition is a good idea... Stalking the companys page and comparing your bio with their stars, and mostly just contemplating how important food is to you this week. Maybe if you pick up another catering shift you can bring home some sandwiches in their endless supply of plastic wrap? • your PFO email undoubtedly says some horse shit about the record # of applicants, just like last year, and the 3 years before that. Somebody call the Guinness Book of World Records! • or you get an audition and hear a wicked good person on your voice part 10 years older than you crush the aria youre about to sing. *The audition* • sing your heart out. Maybe flap your arms to entertain yourself since the 1-4 people behind the table are texting/eating/farting/not giving a half a shit about your performance. • oh, they want a second piece? Sure, Id love to sing my Mozart instead of any of that interesting repertoire on my list, you boring old bats. • done singing and they say thank you. If youre a smart singer, you understand that to mean: okay youve wasted enough of our time, get the F out of our lives. If youre Ivan Conrad you stand there with a stupid grin and say no, thank YOU and continue to stand there until you realize ohhhh this interview is over. I accidentally thought that you were human beings behind that table who were capable of some common courtesy to somebody who took off work, paid you, and took the time to come down and audition for you... So I guess Ill just walk on out of here now... Did you at least like my cool suit? I shaved AND put on a tie for you!! Oh wait, you never looked up from your damn iPhone.. thanks for not turning your clicking sound off at least! It kinda made my Mozart sound like Cage. (Actually happened...) • realize your fly was down the whole time (yes this also happened... youre welcome, world.) • find out that they didnt even need your voice part this season and just wanted to steal your lunch money. Bullies. 1:35am. Another booty call. Repeat steps 1-infinity. I never thought Id be an opera donor at such a young age! Could you at least put me in your program in the $1-50 category???? No? Okay I defs wont feel bad when I sneak into the orchestra seats right before downbeat. PS did u know those red !s mean theyve sent out audition notices and that the blue !s mean that offers have been made? Whomp. Whomp. I didnt want to work for your shitty company anyway !! Application due 10/31...along with 40 others (who needs food??) Application fee $100 (rEaLlY?!!?) Pianist fee $30-$60 Warm up room $20 *This opportunity does not pay* Being a singer in todays operatic world: priceless. fat lady singing. Oh wait, you have to be skinny to sing opera now. Shit. Drops mic and cries a single tear. DISCLAIMER: this rant was entirely in jest. I dont think youre an old bat who works for a shitty company. And I definitely dont cry.
Posted on: Sat, 13 Dec 2014 16:49:28 +0000
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