I CHOSE THE LOVE I FELT I DESERVED........Well my dream come true was short lived as while i made alot of mistakes but not intentionally I just cant allow anyone ever again to be cruel and abusive to me without merit and based on untrue facts. And im not a quitter and tried to get thru to him with the truth as when were young and dont have reasons told to us or communication then we have to make up things in our mind to fill in the emptiness and i wasnt given the chance to explain and the more i try to more im accused of lying and of untrue things and apparently when someone has been raised w/out disicpline or consquences for their actions they then think that when you call your kid out on something and after saying things over and over ultimately leading to yelling to be heard than its considered abuse- which is exactly what i used to believe as i was ignored and non existing as a kid, which made me think i was a bad mother and well when your only parent is constantly telling you outright that your worthless then after a while with no one else you tend to act accordingly. Ive suffered and punished myself everyday for losing control of my life yet im still being abused by cruel names and accusations that i find unreal to even hear of such things such as i wish for my sons to never love another woman only me! I compete with them to prove my suffering is more than theres- wow thats so unreal i cant even try anymore and that i only had them to love me back which yeah most people do have babies to love... So sadly my happy ending is coming anyday soon as i think its going to take professional help to interven and interupt my meanings of communication as there always taken completely the wrong way and made into something negative which yeah im very sad esp lately, abusive neighbors killed our cat and got us evicted and i came so close to moving back to New England but failed and i absolutely hate it here for so many reasons and im a single disabled mother struggling to keep a roof over our heads and car from being repossed with no public transportation here or rides so yeah right now i am very down and out due to my situation but i have many laughs and joy from my daughter everyday ( the only one whom understands me completely) and am very thankful for that and I hope for a future with less struggling and a relationship with my sons but right now there just too angry which i get but i cannot admit to things that just are not true and cannot take anymore abuse or cruel mean words as that is not helping me nor them ultimately. I AM HUMAN AFTERALL and the saddest thing is my sons dont know the real me who is very compassionate, caring and loving but im also capable of taking alot of abuse but i just dont take it for too long as my health cant take it and well there are just some times when you just have to walk away and you know you tried but failed and just have to sit back and hope for time to heal this pain we all share before its too late.....
Posted on: Mon, 12 Aug 2013 02:22:03 +0000
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