I am not sure that I am going survive going through my daughters things. Before going to the picnic yesterday, I was looking in some of her clothes drawers to see if I could find one of the t-shirts that she borrowed from me to wear as a night shirt so I could wear it. I came across some drug paraphernalia. This hit me hard and I really didn’t even want to go to the picnic because I got so upset. When I got home last night, I hung out in her room and went through a pile of things that were on the floor and I found a cosmetic pouch that contained things that I knew were from Mackenzie using. I couldn’t take anymore and I headed to bed. This afternoon I headed back into her room twice. The first time I found a pouch buried in a basket of socks that contained a needle, a spoon and an old drug wrapper. Of course I had another breakdown and had to go mow the lawn to clear my mind. The second time I went in, I found one of my kitchen steak knives and the bottom of a small soda can. Only because I have been researching heroin since Mackenzie left, do I know that users cut off the bottom of a can and use it to cook the heroin in when they don’t have a spoon. I have found all this in just a few hours of looking during only the last day and a half. I wish I had searched her room while she was still alive. I would have known she was using and she would not have been able to deny her drug use when I confronted her with all of these things. This on top of another case containing a needle, spoon and wrappers that was found in her room when her father came by a few weeks ago to pick up her ashes. I had searched all the obvious places soon after Mackenzie was gone and I found nothing. Now it seems everywhere I look, I find signs of her use. I will say that I knew she had relapsed after she moved back in with me and we discussed it and she seemed to be back on the right track. I found out she took money from me the week before she died and when I asked her about it she refused to talk about it. What the heck was my problem? How did I not see what was going on? Would I even know if someone was standing in front of me right now with a heroin problem? I can’t remember if she was constantly wearing long sleeves. Of course it was April and still cold so why would I think anything of her wearing long sleeves. I have found out in the past 2 months that people knew she was using on and off and never told me. Maybe it was assumed that I knew. Heck I didn’t see the signs before I found out in December and Mackenzie continued to hide her symptoms from me when she relapsed. I only knew the first time because I opened her credit card bill and saw that she had been charging something small and getting money back day after day for a week (it came weeks after she had done it). I had told her that I didn’t think her living with me was a good idea because I felt I was helping her use. She told me that it was not me; if she wanted to use she was going to use. I should have sent her back to her dad’s house. As much as she would have hated me, she would have been alive to hate me.
Posted on: Mon, 10 Jun 2013 01:44:58 +0000