I am terrified a great deal of the time - afraid of what Ive done, of what Im doing, and of what I might have to do. Its not a crippling fear, in fact, its just the opposite. I thrive on it, I crave it, I need that rush of terror to get me out of bed in the morning. Its in my DNA. I have tremendous remorse for the acts of violence Ive committed, both planned and spontaneous. But I think what brings me the most sorrow is that Ive learned to justify this behavior. I always find a reason, a cause, a need that allows me the karmic lubrication to stuff my guilt into a savage compartment. Ive become the thing, the one I hated. And with that awareness comes periods of days, sometimes weeks, when I have to avoid looking into a mirror. My self-hate is so deep, so palpable, I fear Ill lunge at my own image, shatter the glass, and cut myself with shards of broken reflection. Ive lost my center. Now my doubt and sense of fraudulence bark so loudly in my head that most of the time I cant hear anything else. Love, camaraderie, freedom - all the things I want from this life are lost in the din. Forgive my indulgence, but today may be a day we both remember. A defining day. And I want you to look back at this and know that at the very least, I was completely honest, so you know I speak the truth when I tell you that you are the most important thing to me. Ill never hurt you, never abandon you. I love you, More than anything or anyone. I always will.
Posted on: Wed, 19 Mar 2014 18:43:09 +0000
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