I cried my heart out tonight. The boys are changing things here. Things that Rick wanted them to do. I watched my sons, knowing how much Rick would have enjoyed working along side his sons to accomplish these tasks. It hurt...oh, not these changes but that he was not here to enjoy and oversee the completion of some of his dreams. The bills are piling up, paperwork after paperwork must be filed or mailed or taken to or just torn into shreds. I am overwhelmed with other tasks...tasks that Rick did and mostly without me even noticing. So, tonight after all the kids left...I broke. I cried and screamed and prayed to my dear Jesus for help, relief and just to tell Him Im angry at Him for taking Rick. Then I screamed at Rick for leaving me. I laid the floor crying, choking, screaming and TRYING to convince myself to calm down while telling myself I had every right to cry. Not one of my more reasonable moments. The Lord heard my cries (and Im afraid the neighbor may have, as well). But my friend Jesus held me close. As I calmed down, I knew He was here...I mean RIGHT here with me. He knows my heart and my deep grief. He knows my frustration and fears. As I laid each problem, hurt or perceived handicap before Him I received the blessed gift of His strength. I got up and got busy with a project I had procrastinated to begin. It is now 12:10 am...Im exhausted, but content with my meager progress. Yes, Im embarrassed to say tonight was akin to a tantrum. Okay...it WAS a tantrum. But nonetheless, a much needed tantrum. I cried out and the Lord heard my voice. He came quickly to my aid. Im back in His arms safe once more with a good bit if anger subsiding into His care. My grieving is not pretty...but He never said it had to be!!
Posted on: Fri, 23 Jan 2015 08:22:52 +0000
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